Wednesday, June 1, 2011

And the perspective shifts...

We have lived on our farm since 2006, we moved from a city with a BEAUTIFUL HOUSE (by beautiful i mean finished) with a chain link fenced yard, 4 kids, 1 dog, i think we had a cat.... a few fish... and a plastic snow shovel.... (i point that out because i brought that snow shovel with me when we moved.... it lasted one snow fall.. I rarely shovelled after that)

Since we moved there have been huge changes..

Of course in five years there is going to be change, there is going to be growth, hiccups in marriage, commitment issues, children born....

I get it...

In 2006 I would cry if a room was untidy....

My children all walked around in clean clothes, with groomed hair....

They ate meals with a starch, a veggie, and a meat, every night...

But our perspective has changed...

Now there hair is up to them..... Although i have offered to "chop it all off" if they recruit me to find the brush one more time.

I don't cry at an untidy room... there was a stage after that when i would take a deep breathe and scream at children until it was clean, another stage i would take a deep breath and get down on my knees and clean it myself in a very somber tone in the hopes that the children would see my efforts and decide on there own to help me (yeah.... no)

next was the rum stage....

Now when i say this i don't want you to think i am a drunk.... In my life i think i have finished about 3 40s of booze.. they just all happen to have been in the past year or so.....

In the rum stage...

I would tidy and work until the Tylenol wouldn't work for pain and sore muscles, then i would have a drink and work some more... its way easier when you are a bit light in the head... and cant focus enough to remember why you are angry..

I gained 15 lbs.....

That's A LOT OF RUM and MIX!!!!


So I came to a decision.. either i started cutting out meals or i would have to find a different way to deal with my stresses. 

I love food, so cutting meals was out... although i did live on only desserts for a little while there...

So now where am i at?

How has my perspective changed....

Well..

Yesterday we lost a lamb... Not sure why but when we went out for the morning feel he was lying separate from the pack, dead.. 

My reaction was not aww... what could i have done to save him... awww that's so sad... or aww poor thing...

It was..

Hmmm.. i wonder if hes still in rigger cause that's gonna be a bitch to put in a garbage bag if he is...

hmm...

then we went to feed the calves and Silva our sicky was lying down and looking a bit off.. my first thought... "well at least Mr.Rigger will be home to help my drag out the body... its like 120lbs you know"

I shake my head at myself some times but then i wish i could detach myself that much in other ways...

Things die, they weren't born here, i don't know the health of the parents, the conditions they were born in, the genetics, what occurred those important few hours after birth..I just don't know so i do the best i can, keep there living space clean and there food healthy and in good supply. Keep an eye on them.. what more can you do..

I sometimes wish i could have the same attitude when i got tin the house.. For our home and children, i wish i could just do the best i can, keep there living space clean, feed them healthy meals and keep an eye on them... and realize THAT'S ALL I CAN DO!

But its a hard sell... Its a big house and i feel the need to guide them, when left to there own devices... grrrrrr..... that's all i will say is "GRRRRRRR"

I am having an especially hard time with Big Dog lately. Call it pre pubescent deafness, or just a shift in his perspective, but he is in a bad spot right now. He doesn't want to help out, because its a lot of work but at the same time he is always coming up with things that he "Needs" or he wants. Games, privileges, mom drive me here, get me this...

I am at a loss as to what to do.. I have shut down completely. I have no idea what to say to the kid. He is just an 11 year old boy and that's what they are like... Says my mother. Well that's all good and dandy but most eleven year old boys aren't required to help on the farm and be home schooled.. Compliance is a huge part of our lives... without compliance... without his help... I'm screwed! How do you teach a kid that thinks he knows more than you and tells you your wrong every time you open your mouth?

He is a product of his environment I KNOW...He is so much like ME it kills me. I am very negative to him because i don't see the light in anything he is doing... I ignore him because i don't know what to say to him... I am sure he is looking for acceptance or belonging, I KNOW... I KNOW.. I KNOW... What i don't know is what to say to him... How do you reward defiance? I just don't see good in what he does, i see laziness and bad habits forming... I love him.... He is my son and i love him..... but i don't know what to do .... I DO KNOW i cant do anything to change him, but i will not chase him around when he disappears in town, or steals money out of our change piles... When he lies to me.. do i just pretend like I don't know??


and that concludes the drama for today... babies are up...

Today we go pick up our new Quad... tomorrow, fencing, Saturday market, Monday daddy goes back to work....

and the beat goes on.... 



 Doves...

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