Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A sense of time...

I realize everyone is busy. I get it. I am busy, most of the time. But some people are just lazy. I STILL HAVE NO DOCTOR!! I went to the office to ask if they had received the fax they needed to send to the hospital. The lady there said on the 8th she faxed all my records to the Dr because they had called to request them.... Actually I called her on the 8th and asked her if she had sent the form yet.... So I called the OB again and asked if i could come pick up the form and fill it out and take it to my Dr and have them fax it... She said sure but in the mean time she would fax another copy with directions to my Dr. So I waited half an hour and called the lady at my Dr back... Told her to be expecting a fax and that all she had to do was check a few boxes and fax it to the hospital... And still nothing! It hasn't been faxed... I have no Dr! If you don't understand English you should not work in a medical office!!!

There is supposed to be a man coming to back fill around our house. Superman talked to him last week and he said he would be here early this week... Its Wednesday, "hump" day, the early week is gone and still nothing.

On a positive note HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to my husband! Maybe one day we will get to spend it together. One Day...

I am in a dismal state right now. I am self loathing, tired, have a lot on the to do list, a baby due soon, NO DR!, and have come to realize it will take a miracle and a winning lottery ticket to get us out of this house.

BC has a tax on all property purchases 1% on 200,000 and 2% on the balance so on the 450,000 houses we are looking at would cost us 7,000 extra. This amount cant be mortgaged. Then because we don't have 90,000 to put down (20%) we have to insure the loan which costs another 2.75% of the loan amount (about 11,000) which cant be mortgaged. Then there are lawyers, title change, and house insurance, Moving costs, st up of all the utilities and any maintenance that needs to be done once we arrive.

So that's not likely to happen. So we are stuck here and my fear of EVERYTHING grows and grows. Every time the wind blows at more that 35km I have a panic attack and start thinking about our demise. The kids will never get to do anything out here, because I seem to be becoming my grandmother the agoraphobic. Afraid of people, going out alone, going out alone with my kids, going anywhere in public, going places without a bathroom, driving somewhere and it being to windy to drive home, driving anywhere and getting stuck/broken down/ a flat tire, the weather, having this baby alone, having this baby at home, having this baby without any drugs, afraid I have completely lost my mind and screwed up my children, afraid they hate me, afraid they will have as little respect for others as they do for me.

I know times get tough, that some of this is probably hormones. That like all things this to shall pass... I just don't see the light, I am discouraged and each day seems like such a challenge. The kids don't want to finish their school work, I KNOW so what? Make them do it! But really 1. I'm tired and 2. How much are they learning if I am standing there forcing them every two minutes to "Keep going, come on, finish it up" times 4 children. They are all at each other because they are bored. Its to cold in the winter and now with the prairie over populated with ticks they are reluctant to go outside in the heat (i don't blame them) so they want to watch TV. But we don't have cable so its all movies they have already seen and they aren't interested in. I KNOW get off your butt and do something with them. I physically cant take them anywhere, I am terrified of what will happen if we go anywhere.

I think I give up on the DR bit... I will just show up at the ER (Hopefully we make it there) and if I make it to my due date then Superman will miss out on being there and I will have to deal with it. Oh well... Maybe that's what God wants, hes sure making it hard enough to get to a Dr so maybe the answer is no Dr.

Superman tells me.. "God will make everything okay, he wont let anything hurt you or the kids, so just have faith"

I do have faith, but what is i'm not worth saving? I've turned into a not nice person, I am pessimistic about everything, I hate everything, If I were God I would waste my time on trash like me.

Thursday, May 10, 2012


This past week has been full of effort on every ones part. The yard work was done for the first time this season which took all of two full days, with almost everyone helping. The 2nd bathroom is completely mudded, and primed. There has been two van loads of "stuff" taken to the Salvation Army. A few things liquidated and about a dozen boxes packed. Superman cut the wood i need to build another book case, the living room has been partially packed so that i can patch the walls and paint this week.

It has been really busy!

We are attempting to finish a few things around here and put the house on the market in the next month or so. The ideal situation of course is that we would put it up for sale and BOOM she sells! Give a August 30th possession date, and get packing! Then find a place we like and hopefully they have a quick possession date in mind as well. Then have this baby, pack it all in a moving truck and a trailer to haul behind our van. Drive out in the Van, have Superman and big dog fly back. Pick up the moving truck and drive that out. That way we are all there safely, with two drivers in the van (i think it will be to hard to drive when i have just had the baby and need to breastfeed and maybe even nap a little??, plus keep the kids entertained, the vomit subsided, and everyone in and out of the van for bathroom breaks alone with Superman driving the moving truck and me by my self with the kids)

This is of course the ideal... In reality we have soooo much to do before then and by the sounds of it my dearest husband has been given an opportunity to stay in and work through to June the 13th. I don't know what he will decide in lue of that. We could use the money. But the house could use his touch as well. He has heard rumor that his work may shut down for a few weeks in June which would be great if he stayed in now, but not so good if it doesn't happen (that's the thing about rumors, right?)

To try to stay positive and busy i am setting some small goals for myself in the hopes that when they all add up it will have made a difference. This week the goals are as follows:

Patch the holes in the living room and tape the bare drywall.
Sand, mud, repeat until the living room is ready for paint.
Do a big shopping trip.
Cook and freeze 15 meals for after baby.
Clean out my fridge.
Pack the rest of my room.
Collect boxes from wherever.
Maybe if i get time prime the living room.

None of these jobs are huge but I hope they will make a difference in the long run.

I still have to
Mud, sand, repeat, or patch. Girls room, hallway, staircase, laundry, my room.
Put moulding around all the windows.
Clean and pack anything we can to make it easy to clean up and tidy looking.
Get down on all fours and scrub the floors
Do minor repairs
Scrub out the washing machine.

Superman and the kids have to:
Clean up the yard
Clean out the barn and Quonset
Get rid of anything outside we can
Put sub floor down on the landing to the garage so it can be lynoed
Clean out the garage.
Pack his tools
Send the cow to the butcher

Its not that much to do when i write it out like that... wooo hoo! I better get started while birdie is still down for her nap.

On Pregnancy:
This week I went to the Dr to have my referral resent to a obstetrics Dr. It was faxed to them but they have changed the way they do things now so the referrals are all to be send to the hospital and then they send them to the Dr's. So my referral was returned to my Dr's office and as far as i know this form has not been found or sent to the hospital. SO next week when i should be having another appointment I am going to go to this ob-gyn Dr. get the form that needs to be filled out, take it to my Dr., have him fill it out, and WATCH IT BE FAXED to the hospital. Then HOPEFULLY i will get an appointment to see a delivery Dr and my nerves will settle a bit.

My mom informed me that she was going to put together an emergency birthing kit "Just in case" Scary thought! I hope i don't need it but it is a possibility at this point.

Baby is getting larger, and more cramped. He kicks all day long, and presses on my bladder. I have heartburn but i actually feel pretty good about my appearance. I don't think i look to bad. My leg and veins are a nightmare but it will only be another month and a half until they start to get better.

I am excited and exhausted all at the same time. I need to pack a hospital bag. Hmm.. maybe i will do that today some time.

Happy renovating, and person creating to all!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Back aches...

It was a sunny day, then a stormy one, then a snowy one, and now a few more stormy ones... We had our first thunder and lightning show of the season yesterday. This is May. Its cold, and then is hot, its  always windy it seems and it rains, stops just long enough to make you think you will be able to drive the gravel roads and then rains again. Welcome to Saskatchewan.

Today Superman is coming home! So this afternoon we will be venturing out regardless of the weather to pick him up. I am trying to be optimistic but I am scared to death we are going to end up in a ditch. Maker of my own destiny much? To make matters worse we have taken out the back seat of the van so any weight it did have back there... GONE...

Oh, i have to go and that's the way it is.. That's my story and i'm sticking to it.

The kids are less than organized and well behaved today. They are everywhere, Birdie has stopped talking completely and decided SCREAMING is a much better way to communicate. The Prim has hit this crazy eating binge and has consumed over a loaf of bread in the last 24 hours. Ms. Proper... Is always angry... she is her mothers daughter, and she is worried. .. About the weather, the new kittens in the barn, the dogs being out in the rain, the idea of packing...

Oh the packing... Do you ever get the idea that renovations would be so much easier if you didn't live in your house? Well this is my current thinking and so I am packing... Things that we don't need to have lying around getting covered in drywall dust and wrecked with paint. Extra curtains, cloth diapers that will fit this baby after hes 8 months or so, all our glass precious things that are still intact (let me tell you that was NOT a very big box!) Things that I just don't want wrecked like the beautiful dish my aunt gave us for our wedding and my quilt that was a wedding present that the CATS have taken to sleeping on! ( I cant wait until we have a bed frame, then I can put it on our bed and nothing will claw or spill on or fray the edges. Well a bed frame and a deadbolt on our bedroom door anyway.) 

It seems like things would be easier to get at and maybe we would be more likely to do things if we didn't have to rearrange all the furniture and climb over things to get to them.. Or to do it and then have to clean and dust everything in that room. I think this will be an easier way to get things done... But the kids are worried. I have never thought that instilling a perception of time in my children was of great importance but as they grow they think that EVERYTHING is going to happen right now! There is no waiting no concept of this weekend, when its summer, next year... or even after dinner some days.. So they think we are packing and moving... TODAY!

Wouldn't that be an adventure! But unfortunately no... I try to explain, our house is not even on the the market... When you move you put a house up for sale, wait for someone to buy it, then you look around and pack and find something you want to buy, you put in an offer, they approve it (or not), and then hopefully you move without being homeless for too long between one being sold and taking possession of the other. It takes lots of time.

It has been a rough couple of days. My back is killing me and baby has found my rib cage... He presses his little feet right up under my ribs on the right side and doesn't give. The only remedy i have found if walking around with my arms stretched straight above my head (which doesn't last long) or lying with pillows propped under my back and my head hanging to touch the floor (almost like a bridge). Heat seems to help my back but sitting does not. Walking makes my legs pulsate in my varicose veins and thighs are chaffing when i walk.. (yeah that's an attractive thought... try being the one that has to lug that around). I think I have done relatively well up to this point but now i am tired and not so happy.

Went to my Dr yesterday.. he is on vacations for weeks and there is no record of him wanting to send a referral. So I saw a different Dr. who since he hasn't seen me before wanted to do the whole prenatal work up... He checked my blood pressure 3 times twice on the left and then once on the right and came up with "90/ 60 is not good, you are dizzy?" No I replied "You must be dizzy, if my blood pressure were 90/60 i would be very very dizzy!" I'm fine, I usually have a low blood pressure and pregnancy makes it lower. " No pregnancy doesn't do that... You have something wrong with you... You have low blood pressure" Yeah okay, and what would you like to do about that Dr? " Oh nothing, there is nothing you can do, but this IS a problem and it needs to be fixed!"

Moving on....

"How much did you weigh at your last appointment?" 183lbs, sir.. "Today you are... 184" Okay.
"NO! Not okay... You are not gaining enough weight." Sir I have gained 25 lbs I'm sure its fine... "You think you  are old hat at this but EVERY PREGNANCY IS DIFFERENT my dear, you must gain more weight. Not gaining weight in pregnancy is like losing weight in pregnancy.. Its not a good idea you will be sicker longer after the baby is born and may end up THINNER THAT YOU STARTED!"  Now I tried SO HARD not to smile or be sarcastic but I couldn't control myself... So Dr. You are afraid that  I may end up thinner than before I got pregnant... Am I hurting the baby? "No dear its not the baby I worry about, that baby will get the calories from your reserves but you may run out of reserves!" Well wouldnt that be a shame....

I assure you all i'm not starving myself I eat pretty much the same thing everyday... 1/2c Oatmeal with Chia seeds 2 tsp of brown sugar and a fruit cup on top, then for lunch 1/2 a can of tuna with a tbsp of mayo, salt and pepper, and 6 crackers to put it on, I snack on fruit and veggies, and make a smoothie with yogurt, carrot juice, milk, strawberries, and any other fruit i have. Dinner always consists of a meat and veggy and usually a bread/rice or potatoe. I have a Thinsation Chocolate covered pretzel pack each day, probably a bran muffin, or some other sort of hearty snack and of course junk food. My stomach is small and I am really lazy so my food is pretty much grab and go... But I am eating all the time! I drink between 4 and 6 litres of water/raspberry or nette tea, or crystal light. And spend the rest of my day in the bathroom.

Despite the drama of the Dr I think I am doing well... I weigh more now by one lbs than I did when I gave birth to Birdie, and I have 7-9 weeks to go.. I think I am doing alright.

I cant find a shirt long enough to cover my belly... Yeah stick a fork in me I'M DONE!