Friday, December 30, 2011

I waffle...

The past few weeks have not gone well. Perhaps its the season, the weather, the decision to move from here, the first 12 weeks of pregnancy... Whatever the excuse I am burnt out...

Its not just the past few weeks it seems like our home schooling year as of yet has been a bust. My six and 7 year olds are not reading. Not for lack of there enthusiasm but for lack of me being present and available to teach and read with them. By the time the chores are done ... the days gone.. I'm exhausted, angry and moody. They are bored and all fighting for my attention. Home schooling it not always so simple and glamorous.

So I waffle...

Pros to sending them to school this coming semester in January...

-Get rid of all the home schooling clutter.
-Save 70 a month from Time 4 Learning.
- More time with JBear and Birdie. Concentrate on preschool.
- Easier to shop/ go to town.
-They would have the opportunity to learn more.
- They have an opportunity to meet friends and do fun things on a daily basis.
-Their teacher wouldn't be mean to them.
-Its just plain easier to let someone else do it.

The Cons to sending them...

-Their schedule.
-Would miss them.
-They are behind.
-Likely to have to pick them up if they are sick. (more outings)
-Constant asking for money (book orders, Field trips, tuck shop, charities)
-They would have more influence outside the home than inside it.
-Not here for outside chores.
- Constantly asking to hang out with friends.
-I'm a failure to Superman... Nothing new there i guess..
-Birthdays parties, cost and driving etc... Disappointment and resentment if i say no.
-Will have to admit my failure... again...
-Would have to keep all my problems about public school systems to myself.
-The kids might get bullied and there will be no one there to help them.
-Taking the bus.
-Concerts, assemblies, etc...
-Making lunches ( the nut free crap)
-The sent free crap
-The regulations and double standards.
-Peer pressure.

I am so burnt out i don't have any idea what to do... I go to my room and sleep most days for a little while.. Which i have never done before so i attribute that to the pregnancy maybe... I am angry, 98% of the time... My children fall and hurt themselves and i look at them with uncaring eyes and say "your fine get up and go play...." Not feeling like a great mother right now. Really that's all i want to be and i am failing and drowning in it.... SO what can i do... I don't see waking up tomorrow and having it be any better without drastic change... Ohh i will miss them if i send them. I will have horrible issues with control not knowing what they are learning or how their friends are influencing them.

I'm lost and I'm to tired to go looking for myself....

When Superman was here he said he loved me because i am so smart and so beautiful... I just need to learn i cant do it all... Well... beauty is fleeting.... and smart? I was extremely smart when i was 20 (not in my personal decisions but book smart) Now... I need a calculator for the easiest of equations, I am scattered, our home is unkempt i cant make a decision to save my life, every things changed... If it continues on this path i should be a drooler by the time I'm 40...

Is this motherhood?

Friday, December 16, 2011

Our year in review

Our year in review...

Our life here on the farm gives us the ability to do pretty much whatever we want. This year we attempted to farm... We planted 900 fruit trees, bought 9 cows, 12 sheep, and 180 chickens, Bought a acreage size older tractor, sprouted and planted out $120 worth of seeds. The spring was very busy indeed... Now as fall is upon us, and as this year comes to an end its good to take stock... We now have 1 cow (three went to auction and 5 died, needless to say don't buy day old calves from a commercial dairy), 8 sheep(there were a few casualties), and we have 0 chickens (absolutely our fault... we were totally unprepared) of those 900 trees NONE survived after being plowed into the ground by our tractor that has only run twice... I was able to preserve 5 jars of pickles and 2 of tomato sauce from our garden this year. The previous year I had a much better haul.

This year has been plagued with failure and has been very very hard on our marriage. Superman, Nate Dog, and Ms. Proper were baptized in August and we have been going to church ever since. This has brought about many changes in our home both good and sometimes hard. I am obviously delighted that they chose to be baptized, it has however been trying on our marriage to watch so many couples in the church be so organized and together and able to survive on nothing, when we scrape by on a very good salary and never see each other. Its obviously the way we budget and the things we spend our money on but it gets spend none the less... Money is a big bone of contention. The other large "bone" is the churches view that the father leads the home.. This is obviously true but in applying this to our home it has made things worse... How can anyone manage a business if they are never there? How can anyone follow the rules set forth by such a manager when they just don't work? He sets a gas budget and we can barely get to church and the mail once a week on it... i digress... Its not about blame its about change...

Now let me just say.. I am very angry.... be it hormonal or not I am one seriously angry lady... I need change in our life. I NEED to not be this person anymore.. I NEED to improve our marriage... I CAN NOT through another winter in this province. I CAN however be a good mother and take care of my children. I CAN school them and tend to our home without a problem . I CAN take charge and get them to help me more.


... I choose not to speak of my husband anymore. Whenever i speak of him it turns into negativity and I need no more of that...

.... I will not set forth to do things i expect to fail at.... This will be hard because honestly i expect to fail at everything. I think for me this will mean making a realistic plan, pricing it out, being honest with myself about the amount of work it includes and the amount of help i will need, and THEN deciding if there is a likely rate of success before taking anything else on.

... I will get my home and children under control. We lack structure, routine, time management. We need to get a schedule that is both realistic and doable by all involved. It is MY job to RUN our home and that is something i seriously need to work on.

... I will STOP dwelling on all the stupid decisions that we have made up to this point and start making GOOD decisions, well thought out both parties on board decisions. No more... Well You made that decision NOT me.

... I will only take on today... I carry the whole world on my shoulders i worry about college, retirement, our next home, the end of the world, funeral costs... I need to work on today and that's it.

to be continued.... duty calls....

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


So Superman was home for his week off and we had a birthday party for The Prim (6) and Monkey (7) all went well. 16 children from three families and six adults, life is good. We went to church, had our tithing meeting, had the van in to the shop for lack of rear heat, I had a day out to finish my Christmas shopping and buy some maternity clothes (that was awesome), Superman took some of our cows and tack  to auction, all in all it was a very productive week.

This week is something different.... J Bear got sick Tuesday and vomited all over Superman (i laugh under my breathe because its funny that it has taken six children and 10 years for him to be vomited on) Tonight Ms. Proper came down said "I'm sick i need a bowl" i handed her one and she started to vomit (nice girl to contain it like that) Then as i am trying to convince her that its okay to sleep with a blanket and the gravol should help, from behind me Birdie (or in this case the exorcist) explodes.....

Thankful my water storage is topped up because I will be washing many floors and doing lots of laundry this week...

Might I add that we all get deathly ill EVERY CHRISTMAS!! I don't know what it is!!! Next year i should start them on immunity boosters as soon as fall hits and see what we can do to end this cycle...

Will post some pictures soon.... The house will be done this week, I'm just ten weeks and still i look like I'm about 4 months pregnant (my body obviously knows what its doing) the kids are all doing well except for being sick. Nate Dog has spent the past three days outside working for the siding guys, doing cleanup and being there Tool hand. He is hoping they will be generous when the time comes to pay him... I hope so too... He has really put in a full effort, not complained bout the cold, laughed and learned from them... Hes doing a great job.

More to come