A beautiful day in pictures

The strawberries that became our delectable pectin free jam.. yummy!

After a painstaking... "daddy your bag looks like everyone elses..." "yeah its a process of elimination, lets just wait here until everyone else gets their bags and which ever one is left... is mine" Mr. Rigger will now be able to tell which is his bag at a glance.

Just a beautiful girl

Beautiful girl in tree

 Another beautiful girl waiting patiently to arrive at the picnic

 A beautiful family portrait (sans photographer)

An almost grown boy making a baby laugh in hysterics....  I LOVE HIS SPIRIT!

 Another beautiful girl... (my goodness there are a lot of those around here)

 Hmmm... I love pictures of J Bear... he looks soooo.... still!

 And since our brothers and sisters go down the 15ft high slide... i should too!

 Goose!

Loving the babies

We headed to the city early. Grabbed Robins donuts and coffee, headed to the Museum for a picnic in the park. Went to the playground, a hike in the trails, a visit to the bottom floor of the museum, Superman renewed his license, I dropped off my homeschooling reports at the Prairie Valley School Division (because Canada Post still isn't working and its due by the 30th of June) and then headed to the airport to drop off daddy for another hitch.

It was nice to have him home, it always is... I love my husband. He can get me so worked up that i want to scream at times (and sometimes i do) but im working on the self-control thing.

His final day home was wonderful we had such fun with the kids.

It was refreshing to take them out and not have to spend a huge amount of money to feed and water them (I packed egg salad sandwiches, carrots, cucumber, strawberries, blueberries, puddings, and made a 4L of juice) they brought their water bottles and the whining went from max... to minimum like nothing!

Its all organization!!! Something i have to remind myself more often!

While we BBQ ...

While we BBQ we like to be outside so that we can inhale all the yummy fumes and because usually we BBQ because it is so hot in the house.

Now lets explain... We are rather protective of our children, we have them with us 98% of the time. We have four caretakers... and that's all... Mom, Dad, Gramma, and one very good family friend are the only ones ever responsible for our children. We keep them close, we make sure they feel safe...

I have been called OVER protective once or twice that i can remember..

and then when i walk outside i thinks like this....

And I wonder "Do other parents let there almost three year old play with hand saws and cut wood for fun?"

In our defense he has only cut himself once with it... and thankfully he learns quickly the cause of such ailments.

But i have thought "Maybe i should keep a closer eye on them.... " (Superman was about 4 ft away, taking the training wheels off The Prims bike.)

COOKIES

So i got my sugar cookies made for Thursday (5cups of butter later!)

Brought all the kids over and they had a ball.. Not very many of the cookies were actually eaten because of the amount of icing on them but they had lots of fun... and that's all that matters.

YUMMY!!!

Another shearing day on the farm....

Wednesday after picking up Mr. Rigger from the airport we headed to Robins Donuts for our ceremonial "Welcome Home" Coffee, chocolate milk and Donuts then over to Wal Mart to get a new Hair cutting kit....

Then we came home cooked dinner and...


Thats a lot of hair.

Big Dog, Monkey, J bear, and Superman all got shaved and Ms.Proper had her incredibly thick hair thinned and trimmed and The Prim was trimmed too.

It was late and they were all ready for bed when i took these pictures... They all look so sleepy. Big Dog and The Prim were MIA but they look lovely too...

No progress

So Superman is home... and yard work has been started... the fencing started.. my addition NOT started... shopping to be done to fill our home with food for the next few weeks, a van that needs to be cleaned, oil to be changed, calves, lambs, sheep, and goats to feed.

So i guess my plans for this week are botched... I thought they were OUR plans but they seem to become MY plans when Superman got off the plane...

So Superman has been asked to haul the water from the buckets in the basement (that are catching all the leaks) upstairs... its really heavy and my back is killin me these days.

I just keep praying, Lord, let superman run our home, help me to be his helpmeet to do as he wants us to do, to support him and be a good wife and mother, help me to get the housework done and keep a smile on my face, Help me to show love to our children and not involve them in things that they don't understand, help mom to put on a calm and cheerful front, Help me to change my anger into motivation and results. Lord help me to be who you want me to be. Amen

It seems silly but it helps me. It helps me smile at my babies and smile at my husband even when I'm pissed off.

Lord, help me work on the pissed off part.

AMEN.

In lue of Fathers Day...

Fathers Day was a long distance call again this year but the spirit was definitely here. We made cards for Daddy, Monkey wrote "I love U daddy From Jacob" Which is absolutely amazing because he refuses to write most of the time. Ms. Proper made a card with a lovely picture of daddy and we wrote a poem, Big Dog printed out a picture of a drilling rigs drilling bit and colored that, and the Prim made daddy a ribbon and pasted it on a card. It was a good day.

In the spirit of Fathers Day i wrote him a little love letter myself and in my writing i had an epiphany...

I wrote "You are my Superman" and so...

Mr. Rigger shall be renamed in the blogger world......

He shall be called Superman!!

Happy Fathers Day Superman!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Guidance...

Do you ever feel like God is guiding you? I hope he guides me everyday, I pray that this is the path he wants me to be on and if it isn't then he will guide me another direction.

I felt guided the other day..

I have been on Birth control for just a month to try to get me ovulating and it was awful. I have never consistently taken B.C. (obviously !!!) 

It was a crazy month... the hormone changes were horrific. I had awful thoughts, horrible horrible, never had before in my life bad thoughts! I thought i had lost it totally. I cried a lot, i raged at my children and at inanimate objects, i drank to "relieve the pressure" It was an awful month

That's not me... I have NEVER been a drinker, i love my kids and have never wanted anything to do anything but mother them, I have never been so selfish and angry as i was this month...

I think it may have been the pills...

So as i set out my vitamins in my little pill case this week i reached for my Aleese and I felt as though the Lord was guiding me to throw them away.

I had these overwhelming feelings of calm and understanding. Saying....

 " Its okay Cat. You are going to have more babies, enjoy what you have right now. I have chosen these children for you, they need you. You need them... Let me worry about the rest. The right way is to rely on me, not these pills."

Hmm...

So no more birth control... Remember to trust in the Lord...

I feel as though i am being guided in a few things right now, is the Lord guiding you? Do you ever get that feeling of calm and absolute loving reassurance?

That's a good feeling... a blessing indeed.

Schlerotherapy update..

I will spare you the pictures (ewww)

 but i think my schlerotherapy worked this time.

He use a stronger solution and about 40 injections in a small area...

I had trouble with compression last time so this time i ended up using a knee brace wrapped around my upper thigh (not the most comfortable but it works).

The veins in that area are down to a normal size!....

 I am so excited, a little nervy considering that was a five week wait and a 25 minute procedure for about 2 square inches of vein and there are about 30 MORE square inches to go.

But none the less it is progress!

Cookies anyone?

We used to do a lot of crafts around here.. The kids and I would cut up paper plates, color pictures, make crowns, anything to be crafty...

However as the farm has gotten busier the crafts have disappeared. To much hassle to pull everything out, too many kids running too many directions and unwilling to help with cleanup. Some of my children weren't even born the last time we had a craft day...

That makes me sad. One of my priorities in next years curriculum is to bring back the crafts, so i figured that while Mr. Rigger rips off the addition this week i could entertain the kids by having some friends over and decorating sugar cookies. Its edible, fun, gooey, messy, it has all the qualities of a great kids craft.

So i made cookies...

Did i mention i LOVE raw cookie dough??

So i make my dough and i think in my head "this is going well, woo hoo...

I pick up a glob of dough and pop it in my mouth...

NASTY!

I used 2Cups of salt instead of Sugar...

NASTY, okay in the garbage, and start again....

(it appears that as i Reorganized my pantry i poured a container of salt into my sugar jar... So i fished out half the jar and tossed it.. everything should have a yummy tang for the next few weeks until i refill the sugar)

Okay start again..

7 minutes in the oven... first batch out...

Devoured by midgets.... not one cookie left...

Next batch in the oven..... pour milk for little ones, clean up a spill, decide to have a bath, find the most delectable smelling Epsom salts with eucalyptus in the bathroom, toss some of that in the steamy tub and i even shaved my legs in preparation for Mr. Riggers return. 

I had a great bath, one of those extra long becausee i cant hear any of the kids crying and they must be enjoying there movie with gramma baths... it was lovely, i washed my hair...

oh and those cookies smelled lovely...

COOKIES!!!

CRAP!!!

Hmmmm.......

Ms. Proper ---- " Wow, mom those cookies sure are burnt, are you doing something special with those ones?"

Me--- " ummn.... no"

Ms. Proper " Oh, we don't have to eat them do we?"

Me--- "ummnn... no"

Ms. Proper " I love you Mommy!"

Me--- " Thanks"

Kids.....

Cookies.....

Organization...

Perhaps today will be better.... Maybe i will make more cookies tonight.... I still think it would be a nice craft!

I wanted to lighten the mood...

I think my blog is getting a bit dull...

I seem to have lost my sense of haha

But i cant think of anything funny...

J Bear has been sick (that's not funny)..

But what is funny in an intriguing kind of way is how long ground beef can stay in your tummy undigested... J Bear vomited chunks of undigested ground beef yesterday....

We haven't had ground beef in 4 days...

4 days...

I don't know if i will eat ground beef again for a while... Oh and Pepto bismol and bananas is an awful mix, that stains the pillowcases you were given for your wedding....

and how does one get pepto out of a braid rug.....

its been a fun few days...

It has somehow given me many opportunities to laugh. Which is always good.

I sometimes get so caught up in the day to day that I lose my ability to laugh, but its amazing what vomit and diarrhea can do for the soul....

J-Bear seems to be on the mend, he hasn't vomited in 24 hours and he is drinking lots and eating a bit more than he was. But i think he may have lost a bit of weight with this flu.

Mr. Rigger returns tomorrow and we will begin our super fun reno on Wednesday. I am looking forward to it. We have come to terms with our roles during Renos and we work together really well. I like renoing with him, when we both work at it.. Watching him reno on the other hand.... is absolutely painful at times....

Good tidings...

Weighing in...

The day after i had Robin i started dieting I was 185lbs..

Last time i weighed in here i was 152.4

Today 147.8

Total loss in 18 months 36.2lbs

Lbs to go.... probably 15 or so....

I have trouble losing any more weight than i have currently, i always sort of sit around this mark, so we will see if anything changes with having a shake for breakfast instead of a meal. Admittedly i feel less full and groggy in the mornings but it could also be that i am trying to cut out coffee and am down to two cups a day.... Have to see what happens...

Have a great day....

An improvement none the less...

We are always DIYing...

 Because we are cheap, we cant hire anyone to come out here, because we don't want people to know where we live, because its hard to give directions here, because we LIKE to do things our way... on our time...

Whatever the reason... that's the way it is. Since i have been on the "Godly role of a woman" kick i haven't done much DIYing.. I have been leaving it up to Mr. Rigger to conjure up our tasks and to tell me how to approach them.

I like it that way...

But i don't like this...

This is the one of the reasons i rarely cook anymore, and my food sucks....

It is just a mess known as the "Pantry" a utility shelf propped against a wall and piled with stuff, and then when i go shopping its piled with more and more and more stuff... If you want anything off this shelf you must first take your warrior stance and prepare for falling and flying objects. It is a disaster.

So one of my super cute, funny and good at everything she does friends says to me.... "So then we can build you some cabinets... its super easy"

I smiled to cover the cringing and grinding of the teeth... Yeah i'm sure YOU can build cabinets, but not me... However she convinced me in a moment of weakness and i bought the product and brought it home... I couldn't sleep that night... "oh my if Mr. Rigger comes home and i have done nothing with this, I am gonna feel like such a shit!"

So I tried my hand at cabinet making and with a total fly by the seat of my pants attitude, and my mother here to work the skil saw (I don't play with electrical things) we came up with this....

The shelves are super high so all the big boxes fit and they are 16 inches deep not as deep as a normal base cabinet but not as shallow as a normal upper either.

So then i put them up. Now i only built two, i need two more but i want them to have then have more shelves and not be as wide.

So now that wall looks like this....

It seems more controllable to me and as i organized things back on to these shelves i found some things out

a) I have enough garbage bags to last me 230 days!

b) I probably have enough ketchup to last that long too!

c) I have 20... TWENTY jars or preserved pears from last season.

d) Someone in my house LOVES Parmesan cheese, We have three things of it.

e) We never finish a sleeve of saltine crackers before opening another one.

f) marshmallows turn into rocks when you add air.

g) no one in my family likes beans, hence the rusty bean cans at the back of the shelf.

Its good to know these things. My grocery bill should go down substantially until we can use what we have and get it back to a normal amount of food with less "extras".

My mother and i are on a diet so we are changing the way we eat a bit. It was probably a good time to get this done and take stock of what we have to incorporate into some new dishes.

I am glad its done, it makes me feel less like moving out when i walk into the kitchen. Next week we are ripping off the wall to the left of my "after" picture (This is where my sink is) to rebuild the dilapidated existing one...

Super fun... a 16 by 9 hole in the side of my house with a gaping hole into the basement...

Good times....

Good times...

Gonna be super fun! Get to do my favorite demolition procedure... The one where you tie the house to the truck and gun it!! and pull a piece of the house off!!! WOOO hoooo!!

I will take pictures....

So in the aftermath of next week we will have accomplished a few things....

We will have a kitchen (or laundry room) with a floor that doesn't freeze in the winter and house mice in the spring and fall..

We will have the beginnings of a second floor exit.... We are putting a flat roof on said addition to put a door out the bathroom, in case of fire (we know all to well fires can happen) or the need to exit the second floor in a quick fashion.

We will have a little more room in the kitchen (only about 6 square feet) but still its more than we've got...

Pictures to come of renos (hopefully gone right, not wrong)

Big Dog cooked dinner tonight, perhaps my clean kitchen inspired him today.....



De funktified!!

I believe i have been lifted out of the funk!

I got some things done this week. I cleaned and organized my dining room, moved some furniture (one of my favorite things to do). I put last years curriculum downstairs and planned and put next years on the shelves. I put together the expenditure and education plan for Prairie Valley School Division (our governing body) and now i just have to put there portfolios together and send them in. Its a big load off my shoulders to get that done.

My garden is absolutely CRAP so i am not gonna let it get me down. The next few days it is supposed to rain but after that i am going to concentrate on my small "pretty" garden that I made this year and just rototil up the rest. I've got some tomatoes and peppers to go into pots on the deck and that will be the extent of it this year. I am gonna write this one off as a learning experience.

The farmers market is this weekend and i think although it will be a small one, it will be fun. It should be one of the cooler days which is great because hot days are not so fun in the greenhouse!

Summer is here, watched a great lightning storm last night through the window.

Things seem to be streamlining, calming, finding there way.

I am in much higher spirits this week. Thankfully!

We are planning to go out to BC around the 24th of September for my brothers wedding (on October 1) and will be staying there until probably the 3rd or 4th or October... I am SOOOO excited!

THE OCEAN

THAT SMELL

WARM

SAND

WATER

TREES!!!!!!!

TREES

ohhh I cant wait!

Four of our six children cant remember or have never been ocean side, and that is a darn crime!!

I cant wait to visit... But i'm glad its just a visit at the same time...

Today... Sclerotherapy Numero 2

Ohh joy today was sclerotherapy day!

I was less than excited to go in this morning. Because i had to drop the kids off at a friends at 6 am, which meant getting them all up and dressed by 530, because i don't think the last time i went has made any difference, and because i had a feeling that this one would be a little more harsh...

Well the kids were a breeze to get up and out the door, they were good at said friends house, my surgery was short... Flippin stung.... but it was manageable... But my my am i sore now...

I had high hopes, we went to the fabric store to get material for flower girl dresses ( but i got the wrong color so now i have to get more), We went and picked up shoes for monkey and some much needed summer attire. We picked up some things for the shop and hit the booster juice.mmmmm...

By the time we got back to get the kids i could barely walk! Advil helps but ohhh i hope it feels better tomorrow... The Dr. said i may notice more irritation and maybe some burning...

FIRE!!! FIRE!!!

Inner thigh on FIRE!!!!

But it is HOPEFULLY a step in the right direction. Hopefully it helps,hopefully it makes life a little less painful in the long run. That's what i'm praying for.

What to do... What to do...

So I found the energy to make my to do list last night and i had an Epiphany....

It looked something like this..

Build cabinets for the kitchen

Fix mower and mow for hours and hours

Reconstruct laundry room (having dressers in there rooms has made 7 loads a week go up to 11)

Clean off the deck

Write and submit the kids PVSD annual report and curriculum plan for next year

Rip out the sink counter so the addition can be rebuilt when Mr. Rigger arrives

Weed my garden for hours and hours

Hey... Cat.... Get up off the couch and stop writing lists..... DO SOMETHING!!

hmmmm....

It sucks when you know you have no energy and you know you are being lazy and YOU KNOW that is just not acceptable...

I have a friend coming over today to hang out and i am a little embarrassed.. my lawns are awful, my garden is buried under mounds of weeds. I haven't gone outside in over a week and the whole place has gone to crap! Quite honestly i could just pull the blinds and ignore it until Mr. Rigger gets home but i really want him to spend his time doing other things while he is here...

Really i need to get up and start moving... I haven't done much this week and now i will have to do double duty if i want to get it under control.

This is a ridiculously busy time of year, but i cant seem to be able to find those corners that can be cut... I barely have the energy to lift my arms....

Faith .....

Hope....

Prayer...

That's what i need to get it all done....

I hope the Lord has as forgiving a spirit as the Bible says.... Last night i literally passed out while i was saying my prayers. What can i say..... eyes closed, arms crossed, and the house quiet...

The germs are overtaking me!

Everyone has been sick the past few weeks... but now its me... so please excuse me absence...

 I haven't even had the energy to make a list of the things i should be getting done this week....

Now that's sick when you cant even find the energy to be self defeating!!!

Will be back soon hopefully with pictures and hopefully something to say.....

Baby steps...

As i am almost 30 years old i decided its time i have my own room....

Yesterday I put Prim, proper, monkey and J-Bear in one room and I took over the "boys" room.... I put up a toddler bed for Birdie on the other side of my room and had room to set up my rocking chair, a night stand and a table beside my chair....

I don't have a door...

BUT..

its a good start... I ended up passing out at about 11pm with Birdie nursing and J-bear tried to crawl in at about 2am (i directed him to the toddler bed) So this is progress...

As a matter of fact i was so stiff this morning from not having to contort to sleep around my children that i can barely move! Funny that!

So its progress... In theory, the boys will have a room upstairs and the girls will have a room and Big Dog will move to the basement where he can do his thing... But as our basement isn't finished yet... its an idea in progress.. But mom needed a room of her own, I am so excited about it. I have my quilt, I'm going to buy myself a lamp ((ooooo aaaaahhh)) i put a sheepskin on the floor in front of the toddler bed so birdie wouldn't hit such a hard surface if she falls out and it hasn't moved... no one used it to wipe up a spill or decided to play dress up... they were so excited about having their rooms together they left mine alone.

I'm sure that will fade but we will see....



The farm thing...

I smell like poo....

all the time...

That's life on the farm i guess...

We have 10 lambs.... 5 cows..... 3 old sheep... 4 goats.... about 10 cats.... 2 dogs

DO YOU REALIZE THAT'S 34 ANIMALS!!!!!!!!!

Holy crap!

No wonder I'm tired and pissed off!

So in my always searching for a small business mind, i had plans.... Butcher the boy lambs... Fill the freezer and have some Christmas/birthday gifts, and hold back the ewes for wool and to eventually breed. The calves i was going to stud out or hold back and feed over the next year so they could feed us next year and be a decent size come butchering time... The older sheep are good for wool and the goats are lawnmowers.. no good for meat, they just hang out....

However in lue of my reality that winter will come and be just as cold as last year... I dont know how i will manage all of these things in the cold. I have banned children's chores so it is all me and gramma doing it (with help from Mr. Rigger when hes home) and i quite honestly HATE WINTER...

Soooo...

EVERYONE DIES!!!..

That's a pretty harsh way to put it but thems the breaks...

All the lambs will be butchered....

The calves sold at auction

the large sheep butchered...

the goats sold at auction...

the Kitty's can stay as long as they keep the mouse population down..

the dogs... guard me... they can stay.

There will be no hauling buckets of water, freezing water, picking animal noses or treating animal frost bite... No trying to dispose of frozen carcasses, no chasing animals off the road that managed to walk up the snow banks and OVER the fences....

I'm not having it!

I will smell nice for at least a few months this year..... I HOPE!

Does this circle end....

Here's the thing....

I am tired and cranky.. its not going away... I think that the change has to be drastic, Life changing, prolific....

Things change, people change, ideas change....

I've changed...

The school thing...

Hmmm... K... My six are home schooled. This past year was awful... boring... mind numbing... Awful..

I gave up on Big Dog at the end and my mom took over by sitting at the table with him and doing everything but holding his pencil and writing for him... He needed promptings EVERYDAY EVERY TEN MINUTES!!! the other kids Ms. Prim, Proper, and the monkey. Were okay if they had no writing to do.. and basically they absorbed what we read but how much can you read and how much are they absorbing when mommy is fumbling the book over the nursing babe and stopping every ten seconds to drag the toddler off the TV stand?

It was frustrating.. it was annoying, and i don't think the information was presented in an effective manner...

Better luck this year right?


Well here's where my little circle of thought begins....

1. (as the children all bicker about something absolutely minuscule or i have to do something that a five year old should be capable of doing on her own) THATS IT!!! They all get signed up for public school! They go on the bus at 8am return home at 4pm and i will have 8 hours a day to parent the other two... to get organized, clean the house.... I can do everything for them... put out there clothes, bake things for there lunches...... SHOWER!!!!

2. But really (after one of them smiles at me) Its Big Dog that is the hardest to teach. He believes the grass is greener on the other side and he wants to be a person separate from his family. He wants to have peers to "hang out" with, have sleep overs, and do things... He needs that freedom. 8am HE gets on the bus and at 4PM hopefully he comes home...... I could make him his lunch and do his laundry, like its done anyways...


3. (The wheels in my head begin to turn a little faster) Then the younger 5 are home.... then i think well Catherine wants to go and Jacob needs some identity outside of being Graces pet so maybe they should go... I cant honestly bear to send Grace... When she was public schooled she cried everyday, begging me not to drop her off... and she has no desire to repeat that.. but if three were in school and she was home with the babes and me, then she would feel left out, that the other kids had peers she doesn't...

4. Then theres the school itself.... PJ day, Rider, day, hot dog sales, donation please... terry fox, money grab... Field trip.... money grab... Field trip... government sanctioned required education hours, money grab. money grab. money grab... Corporate your not my friend but i had to invite you birthday parties, peer pressure, drugs, sex education, money grab ... UUUUUGGGGGHHHH...

5. I don't want to send my daughters there!!! then I look like some sexist hick who "only sends her boys out to get an education".

6. Hell i don't want to send my boys there either.... they don't need to associate with THEM... They are just fine at home..

7. Do i believe that? I am a great teacher until it comes to the important stuff ... like reading... Jake is almost 7 and doesn't read... grace was 7 and went to school for two months and they had her reading... they accomplished more in that eight weeks than i had in a year at home... Maybe she wasn't ready... maybe i wasn't a good teacher...

8. Am i a sell out if i put them in school? Will i regret it when they grow up "if i could have just stuck it out through those hard times i could have succeeded in schooling them myself" I hate everything that public school is about.. conformity, immunizations, broad spectrum curriculum, DUMBING IT UP!

9. (the thoughts haunt me) My kids are annoying! They are LITERALLY latched on 24 hours a day... they sleep in my bed, cough in my food, wipe there noses on my shirt. They bath with me, breath on me, watch me pee, and i'm pretty sure (although they wont admit it) are using my toothbrush! I need some space... I'm a wee bit crazy....

10. This is just a phase and God will answer my prayers to guide me.... he will let me know (hopefully soon and hopefully VERY CLEARLY) what needs to be done....

11. The kids are bickering again.... See number 1.

And so this circle of thought continues all day and night long..

I tend to fixate on things until i have them figured, only then can i move on... That is so frustrating!!!

Any thoughts on what to do here people? I was considering using the blender to drown out the bickering when I'm in the kitchen but they figured out how to turn it off...

When i leave the room they follow..

I'm lost.. help me out here people... A friend told me i need to find something just for me... but that doesn't work... if i have to be somewhere at a certain time, i can guarantee wither vomit or a fever. A particular day... say Wednesday.... might as well rename it meltdownday....

I don't thing that's it.....
 See number one...

Today is a brand new day!!!

Today Mr. Rigger heads back to work.

The lawns need to be mowed, water, hauled, laundry, animals fed, fencing finished, and the list goes on....

But today i feel pretty darn good! We had a good week with Daddy home... We put up some fence posts (100 or so) we had a successful market on Saturday. Enjoyed perusing the local garage sales (got myself an angel food cake pan! oooo aaaahhhh ) and a few board games for the kids. Sunday Mr. Rigger was sick  I hauled water, and went and picked up SIX MORE LAMBS!!! What can i say i am a glutton for punishment.

I woke up this morning and felt different... Maybe not so pissed off at the world and feeling a little more able to accomplish something today.... I don't know how long that feeling will last but i am hoping that it will last a while...

So way back in the day I did the Herbal Magic Diet and lost a whole wack of Weight after my 4th was born. But my my it was expensive, so instead of signing up again i have decided to jut do the died again.... and since i'm breastfeeding i cant take the pills anyways... so i was thinking about maybe weekly weigh ins on here.... You know, keep the fear of public embarrassment in my mind set to keep me on track....

So without further ado...

June 6th  152.4...

Earlier in the year i was 140 but not so much anymore.....
So here's hoping..

Today is going to be a busy one... I'm going to TRY to get all the mowing done before the brood gets up.... wish me luck...

Have a good day!

Weaning..... night two...

I caved...

Mr. Rigger (MY ROCK) crumbled...

She awoke at 12midnight and screamed for over an hour, I was nauseated i was so tired...

Mr. Rigger suggests we wait until shes older and she understands no....

So maybe I will still be feeding her when she goes off to college...

I'm still learning the meaning of NO!!!

Another day of fencing to come, Big Dog has the sickness, the power went out last night (back on now), its super cold out. Market is Saturday... Driving to the city tonight to go to my first pole dancing class... maybe...

I wanted to do something fun for me... for a break... for excercise, that i could handle... but life always seems to creep up and say "Not likely you can abandon your family for personal endeavours honey!" We will see how the day goes but i can already see it ending in disaster.... 

Its almost like i enjoy throwing our money away!! chickens, garden, exercise class, over spending on groceries this time (I bought the kids super expensive place mats and puzzles)... I'm tired and cranky and feeling very upset about the weaning... 

Lord help me to serve others with a happy heart, to do my best at what i am able to do, to have compassion for growing babes and to put myself last.

Help me... help me... help me....

its 4:45am.... Lord help me! 

Weaning...

24 hours of no breastfeeding!!! i am BOUND and she is DETERMINED to have some milk! She screamed for a good hour last night but between Mr. Rigger and I we were able to stay calm and get through the night with out breastfeeding... hopefully that was the hardest night...

THANK THE LORD FOR THE WONDER PETS!!!!!!

And the perspective shifts...

We have lived on our farm since 2006, we moved from a city with a BEAUTIFUL HOUSE (by beautiful i mean finished) with a chain link fenced yard, 4 kids, 1 dog, i think we had a cat.... a few fish... and a plastic snow shovel.... (i point that out because i brought that snow shovel with me when we moved.... it lasted one snow fall.. I rarely shovelled after that)

Since we moved there have been huge changes..

Of course in five years there is going to be change, there is going to be growth, hiccups in marriage, commitment issues, children born....

I get it...

In 2006 I would cry if a room was untidy....

My children all walked around in clean clothes, with groomed hair....

They ate meals with a starch, a veggie, and a meat, every night...

But our perspective has changed...

Now there hair is up to them..... Although i have offered to "chop it all off" if they recruit me to find the brush one more time.

I don't cry at an untidy room... there was a stage after that when i would take a deep breathe and scream at children until it was clean, another stage i would take a deep breath and get down on my knees and clean it myself in a very somber tone in the hopes that the children would see my efforts and decide on there own to help me (yeah.... no)

next was the rum stage....

Now when i say this i don't want you to think i am a drunk.... In my life i think i have finished about 3 40s of booze.. they just all happen to have been in the past year or so.....

In the rum stage...

I would tidy and work until the Tylenol wouldn't work for pain and sore muscles, then i would have a drink and work some more... its way easier when you are a bit light in the head... and cant focus enough to remember why you are angry..

I gained 15 lbs.....

That's A LOT OF RUM and MIX!!!!

So I came to a decision.. either i started cutting out meals or i would have to find a different way to deal with my stresses. 

I love food, so cutting meals was out... although i did live on only desserts for a little while there...

So now where am i at?

How has my perspective changed....

Well..

Yesterday we lost a lamb... Not sure why but when we went out for the morning feel he was lying separate from the pack, dead.. 

My reaction was not aww... what could i have done to save him... awww that's so sad... or aww poor thing...

It was..

Hmmm.. i wonder if hes still in rigger cause that's gonna be a bitch to put in a garbage bag if he is...

hmm...

then we went to feed the calves and Silva our sicky was lying down and looking a bit off.. my first thought... "well at least Mr.Rigger will be home to help my drag out the body... its like 120lbs you know"

I shake my head at myself some times but then i wish i could detach myself that much in other ways...

Things die, they weren't born here, i don't know the health of the parents, the conditions they were born in, the genetics, what occurred those important few hours after birth..I just don't know so i do the best i can, keep there living space clean and there food healthy and in good supply. Keep an eye on them.. what more can you do..

I sometimes wish i could have the same attitude when i got tin the house.. For our home and children, i wish i could just do the best i can, keep there living space clean, feed them healthy meals and keep an eye on them... and realize THAT'S ALL I CAN DO!

But its a hard sell... Its a big house and i feel the need to guide them, when left to there own devices... grrrrrr..... that's all i will say is "GRRRRRRR"

I am having an especially hard time with Big Dog lately. Call it pre pubescent deafness, or just a shift in his perspective, but he is in a bad spot right now. He doesn't want to help out, because its a lot of work but at the same time he is always coming up with things that he "Needs" or he wants. Games, privileges, mom drive me here, get me this...

I am at a loss as to what to do.. I have shut down completely. I have no idea what to say to the kid. He is just an 11 year old boy and that's what they are like... Says my mother. Well that's all good and dandy but most eleven year old boys aren't required to help on the farm and be home schooled.. Compliance is a huge part of our lives... without compliance... without his help... I'm screwed! How do you teach a kid that thinks he knows more than you and tells you your wrong every time you open your mouth?

He is a product of his environment I KNOW...He is so much like ME it kills me. I am very negative to him because i don't see the light in anything he is doing... I ignore him because i don't know what to say to him... I am sure he is looking for acceptance or belonging, I KNOW... I KNOW.. I KNOW... What i don't know is what to say to him... How do you reward defiance? I just don't see good in what he does, i see laziness and bad habits forming... I love him.... He is my son and i love him..... but i don't know what to do .... I DO KNOW i cant do anything to change him, but i will not chase him around when he disappears in town, or steals money out of our change piles... When he lies to me.. do i just pretend like I don't know??

and that concludes the drama for today... babies are up...

Today we go pick up our new Quad... tomorrow, fencing, Saturday market, Monday daddy goes back to work....

and the beat goes on.... 

 Doves...