I waffle...

The past few weeks have not gone well. Perhaps its the season, the weather, the decision to move from here, the first 12 weeks of pregnancy... Whatever the excuse I am burnt out...

Its not just the past few weeks it seems like our home schooling year as of yet has been a bust. My six and 7 year olds are not reading. Not for lack of there enthusiasm but for lack of me being present and available to teach and read with them. By the time the chores are done ... the days gone.. I'm exhausted, angry and moody. They are bored and all fighting for my attention. Home schooling it not always so simple and glamorous.

So I waffle...

Pros to sending them to school this coming semester in January...

-Get rid of all the home schooling clutter.
-Save 70 a month from Time 4 Learning.
- More time with JBear and Birdie. Concentrate on preschool.
- Easier to shop/ go to town.
-They would have the opportunity to learn more.
- They have an opportunity to meet friends and do fun things on a daily basis.
-Their teacher wouldn't be mean to them.
-Its just plain easier to let someone else do it.


The Cons to sending them...

-Their schedule.
-Would miss them.
-They are behind.
-Likely to have to pick them up if they are sick. (more outings)
-Constant asking for money (book orders, Field trips, tuck shop, charities)
-They would have more influence outside the home than inside it.
-Not here for outside chores.
- Constantly asking to hang out with friends.
-I'm a failure to Superman... Nothing new there i guess..
-Birthdays parties, cost and driving etc... Disappointment and resentment if i say no.
-Will have to admit my failure... again...
-Would have to keep all my problems about public school systems to myself.
-The kids might get bullied and there will be no one there to help them.
-Taking the bus.
-Concerts, assemblies, etc...
-Making lunches ( the nut free crap)
-The sent free crap
-The regulations and double standards.
-Peer pressure.


I am so burnt out i don't have any idea what to do... I go to my room and sleep most days for a little while.. Which i have never done before so i attribute that to the pregnancy maybe... I am angry, 98% of the time... My children fall and hurt themselves and i look at them with uncaring eyes and say "your fine get up and go play...." Not feeling like a great mother right now. Really that's all i want to be and i am failing and drowning in it.... SO what can i do... I don't see waking up tomorrow and having it be any better without drastic change... Ohh i will miss them if i send them. I will have horrible issues with control not knowing what they are learning or how their friends are influencing them.

I'm lost and I'm to tired to go looking for myself....

When Superman was here he said he loved me because i am so smart and so beautiful... I just need to learn i cant do it all... Well... beauty is fleeting.... and smart? I was extremely smart when i was 20 (not in my personal decisions but book smart) Now... I need a calculator for the easiest of equations, I am scattered, our home is unkempt i cant make a decision to save my life, every things changed... If it continues on this path i should be a drooler by the time I'm 40...

Is this motherhood?