Resistant to stillness...

My husband constantly asks me if I'm nervous... I fidget... I tap my foot under the kitchen table and it shakes the entire dining room...

I rarely notice.

But he notices...

I'm not nervous I don't think. I have always fidgeted, I've always had the "mom sway", I am always moving. Like my kids who also never sit still.

This is why I struggle, sitting still is foreign to me...

Thinks always being the same makes me crazy,

I AM A CHRONIC FURNITURE RE ARRANGER.

I move living rooms into dining rooms, dining rooms into libraries, libraries into bedrooms and all back again...

I put up walls and tear them down again...

The only rooms in our home that have not been converted to other titles are the bathroom and kitchen... But I have thought about it....

Change is good...

I need change...

Now, don't get me wrong... things are always "Changing" kids grow, babies hit milestones, no two children are the same, seasons change (slowly it seems), personalities develop, routines are tweaked....

But I don't change...

Not enough for me....

I lose weight 45 lbs in just over a year. I dread my hair, dream about getting braces and more tattoos (funny what some of us dream about) but I'm still me. Still temper mental, sensitive, and overwhelmed me....

But I want change...

More kids.... to be pregnant, to adopt, to help those that don't have it as good as we do... I need something to look forward too.

I feel selfish...

With all these kids changing around me how could I want more... Some people cant have children and we have six, but I cant escape it, it overtakes me on a daily basis. I feel like I will perish without more children. At times I feel like I'm selfish and ungrateful and at other times I feel like I'm maybe being taught patience by this. It plagues me...

I feel so lost...

I pray and wait for answers... they always come... but maybe I'm waiting for the wrong answer... maybe we are done having babies.

Only time will tell ...

I know there are others who don't understand, Mr. Rigger says "If it happens it happens" others say, "you are crazy, you have six... that's enough" some worry about my health, some worry about my sanity...

But your not me.... You don't live my life, you don't feel what I feel, but if you could.... you be making babies every chance you got...

Guilt

How long does guilt last?

How long can guilt be a viable excuse?

I ponder these things.... I have a lot of guilt... I try to be better,

I am now a way better person than I ever was...

But how long should one feel guilty? I have things I feel guilty about everyday...

Things I cant change... whats done is done....but the guilt presses on..

How do I forgive myself??

Faker....

Am I a faker?

I seem to be habitually unhappy.

I smile... Sometimes...

I laugh at my kids... in awe.... out of frustration... because they need to laugh

Because I need to laugh...

When my husband comes home... he walks through the gates at the airport.... the children run to him and almost knock him over, i sigh, make my way to my feet and wait until they walk back to me. then i smile and say "do you have a bag we need to grab?"

I LOVE HIM

I have no problem with affection but THAT'S what comes out.... WHY???

I am struggling.... i feel like I'm drowning sometimes....


I recently decided that maybe I needed to talk to an unbiased party... so I went online to find someone to talk to. I found online counselling. com and paid some money for some time... she said....

It was wrong of my to gauge my "value" by being a mother because without that title I would have no value.....

I understand the idea.... I get it...

But I have no value without the title..... I AM MOM... MOMMY... MAMA..... Mother

his mom.... her mom...... their mom......

I truly feel that my calling in life is to be a mother....

Without a doubt

God wants me to "keep" these children.....

So why do i struggle?

Why am I unhappy?

I am not the best at my job... by far... I struggle to make meals on time let alone get organized or even keep milk in the fridge... I have matted hair (that part on purpose) because I have no time to brush it.. I had to give up hair care... completely (yeah for dreads!)

I don't know if I resent giving up the things that are "mine" so much but I wish that when I did give things up it made me a better mom or would give me more time.... or maybe that my sacrifice would be noticed... Everyone needs a little praise. I know God sees my service. It would be nice if there was a Thank you every once in a while though.

NOTHING GIVES US MORE TIME!

There are only a certain amount of minutes in a day...

Why do I spend so many thinking about negative things, beating myself up? comparing? dreaming about things that are never going to happen....

If I just..... Maybe if I...... Well if I stop .... and start...... or maybe if I get up ten minutes earlier.....

But I don't...

And here I sit...

Lord I pray that you will help me open my heart and mind to change.. Help me to hear your promptings and to change the things that aren't working. Amen.

I'll be faking it for now....

Blogs of Note...

There is a woman in blogger land that is inspirational. Not because she is super organized or perfect, not because shes imperfect or overly unorganized either... I like her... because of her faith. She "waits for God to move" a patience I wish i possessed. She has 11 children through birth and adoption. She is funny, a bit crazy, and she has the ability to move on. All things I love.

Her BLOG is here Storing Up Treasures.

On her blog she has a promotional blog circuit by the name of BLOGS OF NOTE... Its a good way to find like minded bloggers and also to promote your blog. If you blog... check it out... If you don't check out Storing up Treasures. Her posts are thought provoking and her faith makes me hopeful for the path the Lord has for me.

Water...

A necessity? Something that mysteriously but automatically comes from your tap?? But where does it come from? In our house its not that easy...

We haul water... We have a 12 foot trailer that carries a 900 gallon water tank. It takes three loads to fill our two 1700 gallon water tanks. (Because they usually aren't quite empty when he hauls water.)

That water sits in these cisterns (one in our basement and one in a shack inside our garage) and then it is pumped to the taps through a water pump in our basement.

The years of water hauling has been trying... When we moved here we had a 120 gallon tank that we had to put in our minivan and haul with. It took 9 trips to fill our then 1000 gallon cistern. That was awful..

It was gravity fed into the basement and sometimes had to be bailed... Not so nice..

Then with our home burning down we were in rebuild mode and decided to go big with water storage for our big family, only those tanks were a little big for the basement. So the decision was made (all be it an uneducated one) to leave one tank in the basement then put the house on (it was moved in) and we would build something for the other tank.

The first two years with this system..... we had a gas pump to feed the water from the hauling tank to the cisterns. Gravity feeding didn't work for our upper tank and we would have to haul over a period of days with gravity feeding.

We thought this was great... Until it got cold.... winter + gas pump = NO WORKY.... water freezes rather fast at -30 and unfortunately it doesn't warm up so mama can haul water.... Tears freeze really fast too just so you know.... I poured countless loads of precious water on the ground because I couldn't get that pump running....

This past year my loving and tired of hearing about it husband put in an electric pump much like the one we have in our basement, to replace the gas one.... He was adored for days.. and it has gone off without a hitch since.... until yesterday....

Remember the children crashing into the garage door and now it isn't closing..... well apparently they crashed into the sensor that works the electric opener... the dog got it... chewed it up and now its gone.... OK... fine so we need to fix the door....

Cats are cold in the barn and since the garage door is open then its fair game so they move in to the garage and they take up shop atop said watershed...... now we were in a hurry when we built it... it has only strapping and plastic on the roof... atop that there is insulation.....

See where I'm going with this???

So the mouse eating fat kitties implode the roof.... the heater in there cant compete with the great outdoors so all the hoses freeze solid..... GREAT!

It took about an hour of mum and I taking turns getting soaked to figure out which hose it was... then we suspended ourselves over the top held the hose up above our heads and poured boiling water fresh from the kettle down the hose....

BRILLIANT ....... RIGHT!?!

Not so much..... eventually we figured out this wouldn't work......

We removed the hose and put it in the bathtub with piping hot water.....

BRILLIANT ...... RIGHT!?!

YES!!!!

Nathan climbed behind the tank put the hose back in and we were in business....

It took us three hours to put the water from one tank into the other......

hmmmm.... spring is coming I can feel it..... let me tell you it cant come soon enough!!!

 The lonely water tank.... not even sure how to get it attached to the truck.... Thankfully Mr.Rigger is much more inventive that I.......

I dream of this scene...... soon... i must have patience...... yes..... it will come.........

Spring...

With everything being so busy its been hard to get to blogging. We have had some freak storms here lately, our furnace is still cutting in and out as it chooses (we have come up with 100 different ways to wiggle the wires, body check the thing, and tuck tape it so it will work) FUN FUN... It seemed like things were going well when Mr. Rigger was home. He filled my water tanks (thank you thank you) but with the weather continuing to be quite blustery its hard to get excited. Its been around -5 to 0 so we have been able to get outside for a bit. Unfortunately its mostly to shovel snow and chase escaping animals. But who can complain? We were letting the kids ride bikes in the garage but somehow the electric garage door opener got busted off the door and so now its to full of snow to ride bikes in.... and it goes on and on...

On a positive note.... I have been simplifying things around here. Trying to tweak my perspective and expectations. The snow will soon melt and it will be harder to contain my children. Harder to find them to do chores, or eat, or just find them in general. So i have started compiling a new schedule for them and me. We are finding it difficult to get things like our teeth done in the mornings consistently and get our reading lessons done so I have decided to make the "little things" our priorities.

It looks something like this

7-8   Up, beds made, teeth brushed, dressed, clothes in laundry, socks on!, personal morning prayers and ready to start the day cheerfully.
8-9 Make breaky (me and babies), do chore. (one for each child)
Eat breakfast, tidy up
9-10 Mom reads bible stories, family prayers, Reading lessons while babies play in living room and Big Dog does Math or Reading.
10-1030 Kids and mom garden (right now i clean and kids play outside)
1030-11 kids play outside
11-12 kids choice
12-1230 Lunch and clean up
1230-100 watch something on Netflix so mommy can put Birdie Gail down for her nap.(and catch a 15 minute rest)
1-2 Chores, reading, laundry, whatever needs to get done without a babe in arms.
2-3
3-4
4-5Chore (one each) while mum makes dinner
5-6 Dinner and Clean up
6-7 Baths, Bible stories, family prayer, and reflections on the day
7-8 Bed for little ones
8-9 Bed for big ones
9-10 Moms hour, then bed for mom

Its a ruff draft and of course i need it to work for me and us not me work for the schedule. So it needs revisions.

I have had a really positive thing happen in the past few days. I have seen the Lord open a door for us that is simply delightful!! A van.... its still in the planning process but we have turned the idea of our passenger van into "a possibility" rather than "a fat chance". Praise the Lord. The ability to leave the house all in one vehicle, LEGALLY! Woooo Hoooo... How fantastic a feat!

Our financial position seems to be slowly improving (inevitably... when you pay your debt eventually you can dig out) its still a long road but we have begun to see the light at least.

Things seem to be getting better I did have a really cool thing happen Monday. I entered a blog giveaway at http://farmama.typepad.com/ and I won! A knitted goose and a pattern for the cutest little knit puppy. I have never won on a blog before.... Maybe I should get a lottery ticket.... it could be a streak...

Anyways this concludes the long winded post... oh but let me leave you with a picture that speaks volumes of our current enjoyment in the spring weather.....

Yeah....... this is in my yard........ I am sooooo thankful we were able to put up a garage not 25 feet from this car..... Currently it has no door that closes but hey it could be worse.... as you can see....

Springs sprung... Memo received!

While taking truck to the shop... stopped to check the mail and my seed order was there!

WOOO HOOO!!!!

In no particular order we have....

Spaghetti squash
Curled Simpson lettuce
Green Goliath broccoli
Romaine lettuce
Long green cucumber
Chives
Shasta Daisies
Casper pumpkins
Early dawn Cauliflower
Vancouver Spinach
Russian Giant Sunflowers
Luffa Gourds (super fun luffa soaps to come if they work out!)
Dill
Pickle Cucumbers
Zinnias.. State fair mix
Spring Peas
Green arrow peas
Kohl Rabi
Carrots (on seed tapes to prevent the crowding we had last year)
Castor beans (still hesitant because they are super poisonous but soooo pretty... maybe a fence will chill my nerves)
Annual bunching onions
Iceland poppies
Atlantic Giant pumpkin (the kids request)
Shepherds Scabiosa
Falling in love poppy
Little Indian Baby corn
Zucchini
Alaska mix nasturtium
English cucumber
and Sugary corn...

I still need a few things... I have 420 seedling trees coming from Shand Nurseries, mostly Seabuckthorn, buffalo berries, and Saskatoon's...

I still need strawberries and potatoes, onions, garlic, wheat and oats, and maybe some herbs... Haven't decided yet.

I am having dreams of this garden but they always seem to end in nightmare. Around Christmas we bought a tractor which almost broke us and now we have a tractor with no attachments... I was hoping to be able to rototill the entire acre and a half atop my might steed but it seems unlikely at this point. So we will be using the 18inch front drive tiller we have used in past years.. It does a great job its just it drags you around and you can only handle the vibration in your arms for so long before they feel like they are going to fall off and you need a break.

It will be fine! just means more cardio and bending for the group... no biggy... we can do this! Optimism.... positive self talks... no negativity! (hey... I'm trying)

I drew pictures this morning of what I want the garden to look like.. I still need to make some decisions but the plan is coming together. I wonder if you could rent a tiller from somewhere? hmmm... have to ask around...

I feel okay this week. I have been absolutely exhausted since Mr. Rigger left. Been going to bed with the kids at 8 and getting up at 8 am.. Had a nap yesterday too (thanks mum). No motivation to move off the couch and to tired to move at times... Nauseated as all heck too... There was a flu going around the last few weeks that our friends had and they said they were super tired but no nausea, maybe that's one of those special bonuses just for me!

And no I'm not pregnant.... I'm sure there are other reasons for nausea... Although that would be kinda funny (not as in haha but as in hmmm that's really weird) if I was because 3 of our six children were conceived in March and there birthdays are within 28 days of each other (Dec 12 and 22 and Jan 11) ahhhh spring breakup in the oil patch.. got to love it!

The kids have been able to play outside the past few days.. It has been wonderful. J bear and Birdie Gail have been on the deck playing ball and exploring. The others rode bikes on the snow, and played with sheep, goats, and kitties. Big Dog even hit the baseball with the bat and taught Cesar to fetch it for him! (smart pup).

Hopeful for the future today, a garden, fresh veggies to eat, self sufficiency, kids laughing and playing while they weed... (okay maybe its a little far fetched but like I said I'm hopeful)

Wishing you all well....and in case you missed the memo.......Spring has sprung!!!

Totally over it....

Whine, Whine, WHINE.... get over it!


Okay....

I'M OVER IT!

Life is funny again... Perspectives changed...I'm okay with being at home when Mr. Riggers not here... I truly believe that there is a reason for the things that happen....

I will go with the flow....

I will serve others to the best of my ability...

I will find my way.....

I will get something done inevitably.....

The predetermined path that has been laid for me will carry on without the whining!

Super FUN!


YUP THEY SAY "KISS ME"   as in......

you get it.......

you dig...


Thats so fun on a fourteen month old!

When your truck hits 200,000 kms........

Yesterday morning I was able to scoot out of the house sans kiddos for lunch with mum, it was.. refreshing... We used to go out every time Mr. Rigger came home but not as of late, so it was extra special.

While I was driving i noticed what i thought was a rubbing feeling under my foot just behind where the drivers front tire would be.. I called Mr. Rigger he stated " well... it shouldn't do that.. i don't know what it is..." So I continued on my way... assuming that since Mr. Rigger said it shouldn't do that.. it would stop... highway driving home... it didn't do it anymore.. I figured, maybe the truck heard me on the phone and knew it better stop it...

The day continued and the girls and I headed back to the city to drop off Mr. Rigger at the airport. We stopped to drop off his safety goggles to get Rx lenses and then grabbed a coffee... Mr. Rigger noticed a thump noise and clunk feeling beneath his foot behind where the drivers tire is....

He got out and looked.... nothing.... drove a bit... clunk.... got out and looked.... nothing.... hmmmm..... when we accelerate from stopped.... it clunks... but while driving at highway speeds you don't notice it... interesting.... by the time we reached the airport Mr. Rigger had come to the conclusion through pushing buttons and turning dials that there was something wrong inside the transfer case... He thinks the front end is gone... It squeals and clunks in 2WD so if I want to drive silently I have to drive in 4WD... not efficient... bad for truck as well.... I "white knuckled it" all the way home... the trucks power steering doesn't seem the best either, it seems to be pulling to the drivers side... and one month post accident.... no 4WD on the rode I rolled mums car.... in the mud.... if i wasn't afraid of the truck being able to go again once stopped I would have pulled over to vomit! I drove the 10 kms of gravel going 25kms.... oh and the whole time this is going on..... Birdie Gail.... terrified of driving....... SCREAMED from the Regina city limits all the way to the driveway.. as soon as she saw the house... FINE!

It was....

AWESOME!

I felt last time Mr. Rigger left that maybe somehow he had made it so I wouldn't leave the house while he was gone (His dream) and this time I am stranded again..... Perhaps I'm on to something! (he assures me I'm just paranoid)

So the children will be heading to the Conexus Art Center today to see a stage production of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" It should be super fun! We were all going to go but with no truck.... It will be gramma taking the four older ones and myself at home with little munchkins... Maybe I can get some sewing done or something... I think they are going to have a good time...

I will send the camera, maybe gramma can shoot a picture or two for us.

Here's hoping for a good day.....

Laugh it up chuckles.....

I have decided....

Sometimes.... Life is ....

Hard, funny, unbearable, sad, gut wrenching, complicated, light, good, happy, energizing, disappointing.... (add emotion here)....

Life's Life

I forget this often... I need to be reminded often... My reminder this time came in the form of a toddler taking a giant dump on the bottom stair this morning sans diaper....

 yum.....

But...

funny!!!

I have been letting Ms. Birdie Gail run around with no diaper in the mornings to get her prepped for potty training and as I was making my morning coffee and she was crawling down the stairs this morning i hear "mama mama mama" I go over to play a little peek a boo and the gate swings open with a poop smear on it.....

NO WAY...... i think...

Step... step... NO WAY...

The look on Ms. Birdie Gails face was PRICELESS! she had no idea what had happened... didn't know what to do..cry.... keep crawling down the stairs... she was... * perplexed* ....

In to the sink for a wash she went... then INTO A DIAPER(not that it matters now) and dressed for the day... I hurried to get it off the stairs as I have five more to wake that never look before they leap....

WHY IS THAT FUNNY???

well....
1. she pooped on the stairs.. how often do you wake up Sunday morning and before you even get a coffee get the opportunity to LITERALLY shovel SH&#?

2. The look on her face.... oh my....

3. This is the only stitch of carpet in our ENTIRE house... Everywhere else the floors are wood and wipe able... OF COURSE she pooped on the carpet.

4. Poop is just funny...

On another note.....

we had a little get together for my friends twins birthday this weekend...

I have included a picture of why i no longer make fancy cakes.... My friend Lisa is friggin' amazing... We took a cake decorating course together.. She has natural talent for cakes, I need to learn more skills to say the least....

The party was a hoot... we had a pinata... and played "Pin the tail on the stinky goat" my picture looked more like a goat than a donkey... so I added horns and odor lines... I think it will be memorable for everyone....

Whenever our families get together it is an instant party.... between us we have a dozen children and the hubbies are buddies so everyone has a friend.. its a good group...

Dan looked outside yesterday and said" look at how beautiful that is"

I looked and I didn't see it... I need to get over myself... there is beauty everywhere, i just have to want to see it....

I still refuse to lead in our home... i think that's going to stick..... i hope for good things.... i pray for others... not myself anymore... i give up on praying for me... i haven't learned what I'm supposed to, in order to move forward.... maybe one day...

Dryer lint...

Its warm and cozy and just sits there until you come and get it... Potentially very hazardous able to start a huge fire yet it looks so warm and cozy... Life's a lot like lint....

That was all the intellectualism I could muster for the day, but I wanted to keep the habit of getting on here... so here I am...

The last few days have been okay. We have been moving furniture (my favorite pastime) and discussing the future (sometimes good sometimes bad). We did our taxes... But Mr. Rigger wants a "Professional" to do them just in case. We owe the government a lot of money, and when you ignore them they get pretty angry (who knew) so now they are hitting us pretty hard. So we are paying down the debt but its always a long process and they always want more than you think you can afford and we are not "Payment" people. Mr. Rigger likes to go in and pay the insurance for the year as opposed to monthly payments (good thing : its over with and if he gets laid off we don't have to pay out the little we have .. bad thing : theres a lot of those things and it seems like we never get ahead) So he doesn't want to pay an accountant any "More" money to find out that yup we do owe them all that and they want it now...

I get his point.... so we will be broke for a while and why did we spend 100.00 on a tax program if we were going to turn around and pay 200.00 to get H&R block to do them.    Whatever...

I am still ridiculously down.... I am having huge issues learning to keep my mouth shut and just go with the flow.I am really argumentative (I didn't know that) no wonder my kids always have to try to get the last word.

We are having dinner with friends tonight... should be fun! Another excuse to hit the bottle (which I seem to be doing a lot lately) and the kids will be entertained, always a bonus.

Mr. Rigger hauled water today and filled up my tanks! I love it when I can clean! I think we have decided to sell this place... It will of course not be for a while we have chickens coming, sheep to sheer, goats to annoy, and a garden to grow. But I think this will (fingers crossed) be the last summer here. I would rather rent than spend another winter here without testosterone. Its to much for mum and I to handle. The kids get all teary whenever its brought up but seriously.... home is where we are not our house.

Now I just have to get gramma on the same page and maybe win the lottery to make it happen.

I was looking on MLS and all the houses are (besides expensive) BEAUTIFUL! doesn't anyone sell normal houses anymore... without a redone kitchen with granite and custom cabinetry and whirlpools? We will paint and maybe have the hardwood refinished, put in a main floor toilet (a dream I've had since we bought this place)and finish the outside (siding) but we cant afford granite or cabinetry... We would only be asking about 125 to 150 which is a good buy out here and a good down payment for us.... Assuming anyone would actually give us a mortgage.. (Issue number 47 on the list of why we suck)

We would be BC bound though I think... I want warmer and distinguishable seasons, loose homeschooling laws, available firewood, water nearby, the ability to still grow a garden and have some chickens, we need a major airport nearby so Dan can fly to and from work, I would love a wood stove, and about 5 acres (would be happy with 2 though) and finished! I will not remodel anymore! No more fixer uppers... I will not drywall tile, plumb, split, rebuild, add on to.... nothing... it has to be done!
and an in-law suite would be nice for gramma.. then she can have her own kitchen and a door that locks (gramma you are coming with me.... I'm bigger than you.... and I have tie straps..... and typar (if you know what I mean *wink*)

Even Alberta would be okay but its still cold, prairie, less trees but maybe more affordable than BC... We wont leap this time (I know I know jaws are all wide open) We will consider what our medical costs, gas, taxes, utilities and all of that would be in each province and then make a decision about where....

If I won that lottery though... there is an amazing place in nanoose bay made out of logs that has five acres and a well (NO HAULING WATER) that would be quite okay with me.... While I'm in dreamland there is also a great vineyard in osoyoos (but not near and airport) that would suit us just fine... and FREE BOOZE....

woooo hooooo!

Bette get the floors washed.....

They look happy... that makes me happy......

The white knight returns....

Mr.Rigger was picked up from the airport at 330 yesterday. By 430 we were home, by 530 we had the truck unstuck and running water... By 630 dinner was on the table... 730 all kids bathed and by 830 all the kids and Mr. Rigger were passed out....

Everything back to normal.....

Hes gone to town to pay bills... Super fun and then dinner and Day one will be gone.. (This morning he re caulked the bathtud because it was raining in the kitchen again... Tomorrow we are supposed to go to the city, Big Dog has an ortho appointment, we are in need of grocheries, and Mr. Rigger wants to take me out for lunch. Its nice that he wants to take me out. I should be extatic... But the idea of driving two hours with a screaming baby (who since the accident is terrified of the truck.. and a mommy thats terrified to even loosen the straps) is not really appealing to me.. I would rather miss out on the "date" with mr. Rigger and risk the boys shopping on there own... just to avoid the screaming... So leave her with gramma right?.... Nope... that just passes off the screaming to another reciever... the other thing Ms. Birdie Gail cant stand... being away from me.... even five feet away at times... So if I go she goes.. Which comforts me... but also gives me lots of excuses not to go places. So what do I do?

Chickens...... Set to arrive in 52 days... still figuring out the coop and safest possible run for them..

Possibilites:
- Butcher Goats and Sheep... Fill freezer for the spring and summer, use their pen for chicks with perimeter and roof covered in chicken wire (pretty pretitor kitties and all)... issue... Killing our other animals to make room for new animals, im not sure if you have to leave pens empty and bleached for a while before you put in a different species...

- Remodel grainery to resemble a chicken coop... issue.... no electrical at this source

- the garage... issue..... lets just say that didn't go over well with Mr. Rigger (bad idea i guess)

So... in my current state of depression I think it would be best to go with possibility one... Then less work for me, less chores to force my children to do (literally FORCE at times) and then I can just forget the barns even there for a while.... 50 some odd days.....

I dont know...

What ever Mr. Rigger decides will be fine. I will go along with it.

Thats my new coping mecanism. I cant imagine what it must be like for the others around me to have to live with my choices... My mum who loves me without any restriction, to move to the province i jumped to live in... not once... not twice but three times! My children who have been put on the back burner while i pick fights with Mr. Rigger and make him feel like crap... Leave him, come back, leave him, come back... arrgg im a sad excuse for ..... whatever I am...

So as I was saying, I will no longer be the leader, or decision maker... I am leaving it all in Mr. Riggers court... Which may in a way punish him.. But at least it wont punish him as much as I do. He does the finances, with imput from me, he takes care that we have the money for grocheries. But to take it a step further he can be here when we shop, he can take care of all the finances with No imput from me. I will live with what is given...

Its gonna be an adventure onto its own i'm sure..

BUT

If things dont get done... thats okay... if things are not done how I wanted them... thats okay... If things are hard... thats okay... If things are unbearable at times....take a breathe.... thats okay... I will not have caused it...

What an awful cop out huh?

Right now its about all I got... Off to do more laundry and put the bread in the oven, Mrs. Domestic they shall call me......

Ms. Proper was highly insulter that i didn't put her puppet on this blog but I put the prims... so here is hers....

Frustrating...

How frustrating is it to dump 900 gallons of water onto the ground 30 ft from your cistern when you know you have absolutely no water in said cistern and that means that you have NO RUNNING WATER in your house.... very vERy frustrating!

Moving into day 2 with no running water i feel the need to reflect. It was not so bad... We still managed to wash the floors, boil water to do dishes, I gave birdie Gail a sponge bath and we were able to flush the toilets with our bottled water. So all in all it was okay, however, my house smells... Cloth diapers and laundry from six children is rather odorous...

I cancelled coffee with a friend again today, refused to speak to my husband (not because I'm blaming him but because I am sure I am no fun to talk to right now) My poor mother having to watch me mope about...

I managed to eat almost an entire apple crisp today, and a pint of whip cream AND my 26 of rum is almost gone... but i had a great nap today...

I am completely at a loss. At first I was angry, at myself mostly, then Mr. Rigger and even God ( I told my mum i was going to stop praying because this paying for my sins gig has got to take a break) Then this morning I was just mad at myself then this afternoon after a tear jerking email from my aunt I was more taken at how selfish I am always being. Its soooo not about me! I am not special I never was now that I think of it.

I am not going to change the world, not going to run it, not going to change any ones ways, I'm just ...... idealistic maybe.... immature..... vain maybe a little... attempting to prove myself (but no ones watching) I'm just me... Again, you have to be very careful what you pray for... I remember a few months ago I prayed endlessly that God would help me to humble myself, that I would be more selfless and listen to others more than I speak...

I am humbled, humiliated and I really have no desire to prove anything to anyone. I don't want to see anyone for that matter.

I am mostly dreading my husbands return tomorrow... the part where he has to ride in on that white horse and save the silly little girl that has "f"ed up enough to need to be saved.... that's going to be humbling to say the least.

The part of me getting behind the wheel of a two wheel drive to go get him from the airport on the same crappy gravel roads I rolled mums car on has my heart palpitating and the taste or bile in the back of my throat.

The farmers market which I can almost guarantee to be a failure because I have involved the wrong people and yet again leaped before I looked. Will indeed be yet another source of humiliation, just as the ice cream shop has turned out to be. So really by the end of spring I ought to be the utter definition of humble.

I am fearful to come up with a solution to anything at present because all my ideas seem to find a way to fail it seems so what does one do?

I was thinking today that the only thing I have ever followed through on is my pregnancies.. because lets face it... I couldn't keep them in there forever... God wouldn't allow that. Maybe that's why I crave pregnancy so much... maybe its one of those psychos  sematic mind tricks that means something totally different.... Maybe I crave completion and beauty (babies are a pretty beautiful thing)

wooo ahhh that was deep!

Tomorrow is a whole new day... that's enough to keep me up all night......

And it goes on and on and on and on and on and on.....

Finally got the flat tire changed! It was awesome.. then since we have to haul water for our house and I have been without a hubby for three weeks instead of two, I had to haul... so off we went and AGAIN 30 ft from the garage... oh yeah... the trailer slides off the driveway right where the truck was stuck... as I write this blog post, through my teary eyes.... I GIVE UP!! I'm done.. no more farm.. i cant do this (by me I mean gramma me, and six babies) we cant do this farming gig anymore. Its too cold, to much work, and way to much to think about... TO MUCH TO GO WRONG! I told Dan that we have to sell this place, and I think I mean it.

I dropped off applications for the farmers market to the shop today and was met with a whole lot of greif so I again am gonna renig on that too. I'm not the strong person I once was, I have been humbled and humiliated enough for one life time thanks...

F this

Happy Birthday darling girl...

Ms. Proper

You are but the definition of your name...

GRACE.....

–noun

1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.

2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.

3. favor or good will.

4. a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior: It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school.

5. mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.

6. favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.

7. an allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied: The life insurance premium is due today, but we have 31 days' grace before the policy lapses. Compare grace period.

8. Theology .

a. the freely given, unmerited favor and love of god.

b. the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.

c. a virtue or excellence of divine origin: the Christian graces.

d. Also called state of grace. the condition of being in God's favor or one of the elect.

9. moral strength: the grace to perform a duty.

10. a short prayer before or after a meal, in which a blessing is asked and thanks are given.

11. ( usually initial capital letter ) a formal title used in addressing or mentioning a duke, duchess, or archbishop, and formerly also a sovereign (usually preceded by your, his,  etc.).

12. Graces, Classical Mythology . the goddesses of beauty, daughters of zeus and Eurynome, worshiped in Greece as the Charities and in Rome as the Gratiae.

13. Music . grace note.

–verb (used with object)

14. to lend or add grace to; adorn: Many fine paintings graced the rooms of the house.

15. to favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one's presence. —Idioms

16. fall from grace,

a. Theology . to relapse into sin or disfavor.

b. to lose favor; be discredited: He fell from grace when the boss found out he had lied.

17. have the grace to, to be so kind as to: Would you have the grace to help, please?

18. in someone's good / bad graces, regarded with favor (or disfavor) by someone: It is a wonder that I have managed to stay in her good graces this long.

19. with bad grace, reluctantly; grudgingly: He apologized, but did so with bad grace. Also, with a bad grace.

20. with good grace, willingly; ungrudgingly: She took on the extra work with good grace.

 

She is beauty and intellegence... This girl has it all I tell you. She has an evil eye that could slice you in two, but when she loves she does it with abandon.

 

She is growing to be such a lady. She turns Eight today. What a great age.... Not so "young" any more... Eight means more resposibility in our home, it means growing up, getting to do more on your own, and having those big person perks that are so coveted around here. Staying up a bit later... reading in your room when everyone else has to turn out lights and sleep... Eight it GREAT!!!

 

Happy Birthday my darling girl!