Resistant to stillness...

My husband constantly asks me if I'm nervous... I fidget... I tap my foot under the kitchen table and it shakes the entire dining room...

I rarely notice.

But he notices...

I'm not nervous I don't think. I have always fidgeted, I've always had the "mom sway", I am always moving. Like my kids who also never sit still.

This is why I struggle, sitting still is foreign to me...

Thinks always being the same makes me crazy,

I AM A CHRONIC FURNITURE RE ARRANGER.

I move living rooms into dining rooms, dining rooms into libraries, libraries into bedrooms and all back again...

I put up walls and tear them down again...

The only rooms in our home that have not been converted to other titles are the bathroom and kitchen... But I have thought about it....

Change is good...

I need change...

Now, don't get me wrong... things are always "Changing" kids grow, babies hit milestones, no two children are the same, seasons change (slowly it seems), personalities develop, routines are tweaked....

But I don't change...

Not enough for me....

I lose weight 45 lbs in just over a year. I dread my hair, dream about getting braces and more tattoos (funny what some of us dream about) but I'm still me. Still temper mental, sensitive, and overwhelmed me....

But I want change...

More kids.... to be pregnant, to adopt, to help those that don't have it as good as we do... I need something to look forward too.

I feel selfish...

With all these kids changing around me how could I want more... Some people cant have children and we have six, but I cant escape it, it overtakes me on a daily basis. I feel like I will perish without more children. At times I feel like I'm selfish and ungrateful and at other times I feel like I'm maybe being taught patience by this. It plagues me...

I feel so lost...

I pray and wait for answers... they always come... but maybe I'm waiting for the wrong answer... maybe we are done having babies.

Only time will tell ...

I know there are others who don't understand, Mr. Rigger says "If it happens it happens" others say, "you are crazy, you have six... that's enough" some worry about my health, some worry about my sanity...

But your not me.... You don't live my life, you don't feel what I feel, but if you could.... you be making babies every chance you got...