Faker....

Am I a faker?

I seem to be habitually unhappy.

I smile... Sometimes...

I laugh at my kids... in awe.... out of frustration... because they need to laugh

Because I need to laugh...

When my husband comes home... he walks through the gates at the airport.... the children run to him and almost knock him over, i sigh, make my way to my feet and wait until they walk back to me. then i smile and say "do you have a bag we need to grab?"

I LOVE HIM

I have no problem with affection but THAT'S what comes out.... WHY???

I am struggling.... i feel like I'm drowning sometimes....


I recently decided that maybe I needed to talk to an unbiased party... so I went online to find someone to talk to. I found online counselling. com and paid some money for some time... she said....

It was wrong of my to gauge my "value" by being a mother because without that title I would have no value.....

I understand the idea.... I get it...

But I have no value without the title..... I AM MOM... MOMMY... MAMA..... Mother

his mom.... her mom...... their mom......

I truly feel that my calling in life is to be a mother....

Without a doubt

God wants me to "keep" these children.....

So why do i struggle?

Why am I unhappy?

I am not the best at my job... by far... I struggle to make meals on time let alone get organized or even keep milk in the fridge... I have matted hair (that part on purpose) because I have no time to brush it.. I had to give up hair care... completely (yeah for dreads!)

I don't know if I resent giving up the things that are "mine" so much but I wish that when I did give things up it made me a better mom or would give me more time.... or maybe that my sacrifice would be noticed... Everyone needs a little praise. I know God sees my service. It would be nice if there was a Thank you every once in a while though.

NOTHING GIVES US MORE TIME!

There are only a certain amount of minutes in a day...

Why do I spend so many thinking about negative things, beating myself up? comparing? dreaming about things that are never going to happen....

If I just..... Maybe if I...... Well if I stop .... and start...... or maybe if I get up ten minutes earlier.....

But I don't...

And here I sit...

Lord I pray that you will help me open my heart and mind to change.. Help me to hear your promptings and to change the things that aren't working. Amen.

I'll be faking it for now....