Frustrating...

How frustrating is it to dump 900 gallons of water onto the ground 30 ft from your cistern when you know you have absolutely no water in said cistern and that means that you have NO RUNNING WATER in your house.... very vERy frustrating!

Moving into day 2 with no running water i feel the need to reflect. It was not so bad... We still managed to wash the floors, boil water to do dishes, I gave birdie Gail a sponge bath and we were able to flush the toilets with our bottled water. So all in all it was okay, however, my house smells... Cloth diapers and laundry from six children is rather odorous...

I cancelled coffee with a friend again today, refused to speak to my husband (not because I'm blaming him but because I am sure I am no fun to talk to right now) My poor mother having to watch me mope about...

I managed to eat almost an entire apple crisp today, and a pint of whip cream AND my 26 of rum is almost gone... but i had a great nap today...

I am completely at a loss. At first I was angry, at myself mostly, then Mr. Rigger and even God ( I told my mum i was going to stop praying because this paying for my sins gig has got to take a break) Then this morning I was just mad at myself then this afternoon after a tear jerking email from my aunt I was more taken at how selfish I am always being. Its soooo not about me! I am not special I never was now that I think of it.

I am not going to change the world, not going to run it, not going to change any ones ways, I'm just ...... idealistic maybe.... immature..... vain maybe a little... attempting to prove myself (but no ones watching) I'm just me... Again, you have to be very careful what you pray for... I remember a few months ago I prayed endlessly that God would help me to humble myself, that I would be more selfless and listen to others more than I speak...

I am humbled, humiliated and I really have no desire to prove anything to anyone. I don't want to see anyone for that matter.

I am mostly dreading my husbands return tomorrow... the part where he has to ride in on that white horse and save the silly little girl that has "f"ed up enough to need to be saved.... that's going to be humbling to say the least.

The part of me getting behind the wheel of a two wheel drive to go get him from the airport on the same crappy gravel roads I rolled mums car on has my heart palpitating and the taste or bile in the back of my throat.

The farmers market which I can almost guarantee to be a failure because I have involved the wrong people and yet again leaped before I looked. Will indeed be yet another source of humiliation, just as the ice cream shop has turned out to be. So really by the end of spring I ought to be the utter definition of humble.

I am fearful to come up with a solution to anything at present because all my ideas seem to find a way to fail it seems so what does one do?

I was thinking today that the only thing I have ever followed through on is my pregnancies.. because lets face it... I couldn't keep them in there forever... God wouldn't allow that. Maybe that's why I crave pregnancy so much... maybe its one of those psychos  sematic mind tricks that means something totally different.... Maybe I crave completion and beauty (babies are a pretty beautiful thing)

wooo ahhh that was deep!

Tomorrow is a whole new day... that's enough to keep me up all night......