A sense of time...

I realize everyone is busy. I get it. I am busy, most of the time. But some people are just lazy. I STILL HAVE NO DOCTOR!! I went to the office to ask if they had received the fax they needed to send to the hospital. The lady there said on the 8th she faxed all my records to the Dr because they had called to request them.... Actually I called her on the 8th and asked her if she had sent the form yet.... So I called the OB again and asked if i could come pick up the form and fill it out and take it to my Dr and have them fax it... She said sure but in the mean time she would fax another copy with directions to my Dr. So I waited half an hour and called the lady at my Dr back... Told her to be expecting a fax and that all she had to do was check a few boxes and fax it to the hospital... And still nothing! It hasn't been faxed... I have no Dr! If you don't understand English you should not work in a medical office!!!

There is supposed to be a man coming to back fill around our house. Superman talked to him last week and he said he would be here early this week... Its Wednesday, "hump" day, the early week is gone and still nothing.

On a positive note HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to my husband! Maybe one day we will get to spend it together. One Day...

I am in a dismal state right now. I am self loathing, tired, have a lot on the to do list, a baby due soon, NO DR!, and have come to realize it will take a miracle and a winning lottery ticket to get us out of this house.

BC has a tax on all property purchases 1% on 200,000 and 2% on the balance so on the 450,000 houses we are looking at would cost us 7,000 extra. This amount cant be mortgaged. Then because we don't have 90,000 to put down (20%) we have to insure the loan which costs another 2.75% of the loan amount (about 11,000) which cant be mortgaged. Then there are lawyers, title change, and house insurance, Moving costs, st up of all the utilities and any maintenance that needs to be done once we arrive.

So that's not likely to happen. So we are stuck here and my fear of EVERYTHING grows and grows. Every time the wind blows at more that 35km I have a panic attack and start thinking about our demise. The kids will never get to do anything out here, because I seem to be becoming my grandmother the agoraphobic. Afraid of people, going out alone, going out alone with my kids, going anywhere in public, going places without a bathroom, driving somewhere and it being to windy to drive home, driving anywhere and getting stuck/broken down/ a flat tire, the weather, having this baby alone, having this baby at home, having this baby without any drugs, afraid I have completely lost my mind and screwed up my children, afraid they hate me, afraid they will have as little respect for others as they do for me.

I know times get tough, that some of this is probably hormones. That like all things this to shall pass... I just don't see the light, I am discouraged and each day seems like such a challenge. The kids don't want to finish their school work, I KNOW so what? Make them do it! But really 1. I'm tired and 2. How much are they learning if I am standing there forcing them every two minutes to "Keep going, come on, finish it up" times 4 children. They are all at each other because they are bored. Its to cold in the winter and now with the prairie over populated with ticks they are reluctant to go outside in the heat (i don't blame them) so they want to watch TV. But we don't have cable so its all movies they have already seen and they aren't interested in. I KNOW get off your butt and do something with them. I physically cant take them anywhere, I am terrified of what will happen if we go anywhere.

I think I give up on the DR bit... I will just show up at the ER (Hopefully we make it there) and if I make it to my due date then Superman will miss out on being there and I will have to deal with it. Oh well... Maybe that's what God wants, hes sure making it hard enough to get to a Dr so maybe the answer is no Dr.

Superman tells me.. "God will make everything okay, he wont let anything hurt you or the kids, so just have faith"

I do have faith, but what is i'm not worth saving? I've turned into a not nice person, I am pessimistic about everything, I hate everything, If I were God I would waste my time on trash like me.