Thursday, May 19, 2011

Life gets crazy...

Life is stressful right now..
Nothing new right....

Why do we constantly pile more on when we are drowning in our To Do lists already?
Why do we always say yes when we are thinking in the back of our minds "I have NO IDEA how i am going to help you or where that extra time is going to come from"
Why is hind sight always 20-20.. Why cant we know what we are getting ourselves into BEFORE we do things....

And then the thoughts come...

Would you have moved to your current home had you known what it would take to fix it .... or in our case what we would do to ruin it?

Would you have stayed in the city where it was manageable, albeit expensive, but manageable. Where your limitations were set by others (ei. no animals, huge gardens, clotheslines), where a nice man in a pretty truck comes to take away your garbage every week?

Would you have had all your kids? (What an awful question)

What would you have changed?

I have been thinking about these things a lot lately, probably a bit to much... I hate to linger in the past.. It makes me feel minuscule and UN intelligent to go over my decisions and second guess myself. It makes me almost suicidal to wonder where the fork in the road was, what decision it was that put me on the path to where we are now.

My blessings are many and my life is good, yada yada yada... but you live my life for a day and tell me you don't wonder why your doing this...

That is why hindsight is 20-20 and every step you take forward if blind faith!

Honestly if you told me that you would be so angry with your children that it would take every ounce of mercy you had not to burn all there clothes, to prove to them that they are right "they don't have to put there laundry away".. I would for one.. think... what kind of a woman would hurt her kids like that? What an awful mother, and how traumatic that would be for those children, what kind of a crazy lady.... she shouldn't have kids...

some days... that makes me sad...

other days... i think little scenarios up like that in my head and it gives me that ``OH THAT...... THAT WILL TEACH THEM!`

No it wont...

It will just make laundry more imperative...

I have faith.... A LOT of faith... in fact i am without a doubt sure that the reason i am having so much trouble with my children is because they are going to be great... Humanitarian, apostle of Christ, superwoman great.

My trials and tribulations are simply preludes to there biographies and made for TV movies.

I need to believe that..

I need to think that i am not going to get cancer and die the second that my children move out. I need to know that like all things this to shall pass... I need hope that there is purpose in all this... Every argument, every praise is molding these little people, what a great responsibility.

Unfortunately, I am nowhere near perfect and the moulding of the people is not going so well...

 I asked God on a daily basis for more babies... I have been very frustrated as of late because Birdie it almost 18 months and i haven't even had a period yet. So i changed my prayer, and asked God to guide me. If its not babies that you want me to have then what... guide me, change my heart, help me to move on if that's your purpose for me...

So is that whats happening, let me tell you this week i could have packed my bags and left without feeling bad at all.. So has my heart changed...

I need some surety, and i guess when you are always pregnant you kind of have that... yup... the babies gonna come out... yup you are going to be to embarrassed with your body to want to go out for at least 6 months after and yup ohhh your pregnant again ... okay well yup babies gonna come out .....

I was thinking the other day that if i went and got a tubal again... then that's my surety... yup you are not going to get pregnant again so move on....

I can barely put one foot in front of the other at this point. The doubt i feel is about knee deep...

Alcohol is probably not a good answer but it seems to be a frequent one....

And the day begins.....




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