Pressing..

So as the emotions of these fabulous pregnancies creep up and disappear during the third trimester I am finding that where I usually feel rage, excitement and exhaustion I seem to be feeling dis pare and absolute terror. I am afraid of everything lately.

I am finding it hard to even leave the house.This winter was unusually mild but I am TERRIFIED of what next winter will bring. Our Econoline is large, somewhat like a brick wall and as the wind hits it it swerves. Now Superman of course has no problem driving it because he is used to driving grain trucks and semi trailers, but I have problems driving it. So if the wind is blowing above say 25km, i wont drive. Our road is gravel and with the floods of last spring it has low spots and loose gravel. When it rains even the slightest bit there gets to be mud and the back end of the van being so light has a tendency to swerve. So if its windy or snowy or has rained in the last 48 hours we don't go anywhere. We are coming into our windy season now and I am coming up to my due date. I am afraid i am going to have this baby at home because i wont make it to the hospital, in the car because we wont quite make it to the hospital or alone because Superman will be hours away at work and the kids will need someone to watch them.

Last night I brought all the kids and my mattresses downstairs because there was yet again another storm. I hate to have the kids wake up screaming by the howling wind, or crawling in with me because they are scared so everyone sleeps better when we are in the middle of the house where the wind cant be heard. I feel safer, as though if we need to evacuate of run for cover at least I know where to find them all. But thats just it... Say there were a tornado which we have seen here before... I cant get them out of the house because I cant drive the van in the wind. We are only able to go to our basement and wait out the storm.

Are my fears irrational? I assure you they are not, a mans farm not far from here was destroyed by tornado. We lost everything to a house fire. SH@# happens!

Honestly I wanted to move months ago but in reality i was just testing the water, if there was anything that could keep me here it would. but really there is NOTHING!

Due to recent events we have reorganized our education plans for the kids and we have agreed that each child is in need of an exterior outlet. Learning piano maybe, or dance, or some sort of group outlet for the older ones to feel like they are part of a PEER group. Unfortunately there is no way to do this. Superman is home 6 days out of 21 and I wont drive in wet, wind or snow... We live in Saskatchewan!!!

This is not the education I intended for our children. Our farm is just for lack of a positive thing to say.. "Just not working out" We will have our sheep sold in the week to come and our Cow will be butchered in the fall so there are no animals. Our garden is a no start this year as I will be 9 months pregnant and unable to care for it. So that leaves the "farm" completely baron. 18 acres of wild grasses and all the upkeep that it entails.

I'm at my wits end with a never ending to do list and no energy to accomplish it. I have looked at some houses on Vancouver Island and other than the fact that for a decent 2-3 acre parcel with 4 bedrooms we are looking at 600k to 800k. I realize that I REALLY don't want an acreage. I like privacy, I like to be able to yell and scream to the kids to come inside and let the kids play and scream all they want,to run and not worry about traffic. However, I also want there to be someone around to teach them the piano, a pool to swim in, somewhere to take them to do SOMETHING, a DECENT school system, a hospital within a 20 minute drive, PAVED ROADS!!!

I'm tired and frustrated and ready to give up. But really how does one give up? Stop getting up in the morning? What a disaster that would be. Run away ( only if there is no precipitation, snow or wind.. that slightly narrows the window), maybe get up off the lazy ars and change something...

I am happy paying off our loan and having enough for a small down payment, I could move in a truck at this point. Me the kids and there favorite blankets, my ipod, compost bucket(i like it) and Birdies potty seat. Superman thinks I am throwing it all away, he says its more complicated than that. I disagree. Change is only as hard as you make it. We would have everything that was important!