Friday, April 6, 2012

If it were all about me...

Sometimes I feel as though GOD has this amazing hold on my life. Now obviously he is GOD so he can do what he likes but one cant help but think for the most part that hes there for Birthdays and Christmas but not REALLY there every moment, right?

Except when you want to do something... Like go somewhere... alone.... without kids... and maybe have an opportunity to do something that may scare you a bit but would (in your mind) do you some good.
Yeah your scared and nervous about being out of your comfort zone but you are ready to handle it.....

And then GOD steps in... like an outraged father and says... "uhh.. no way sweetheart... You are not going anywhere"

That's where I seem to be stuck right now...

I was denied from a program that I applied too (actually the woman on the phone did her best not to laugh at me but I could literally here her snicker as she dumbed it up for the silly dropout she was speaking to on the phone.)

I was all gung-ho to get involved in a market in a nearby town and the night before, everything i touch turns to crap, some of the kids have fevers, I cant seem to find anything I am looking for and every time i turn my back something else is being trashed, or spilled, or someone else is vomiting or running for the toilet. Not to mention the Winter Storm Warning posted for our area and the fact that the winds will be gusting to 60 while I attempt to drive my "high roll over risk" Econoline through it, to leave my children with a babysitter, when I know they are going to freak out and the two I am taking with me are going to be the death of my pocketbook.

And a long term project. That consists of me doing some courses and HOPEFULLY getting into a different program that I applied for, planning and follow through for a huge undertaking, and trying to overcome my fears of EVERYTHING in the process.

Is it possible that if I just stayed home and never planner to help out or do anything that just benefited me on the short term that the weather may cooperate and the children wouldn't be sick as much? It seems that way... I cant remember a time when I have gone anywhere that wasn't tainted by vomit or monumental aggravation.

Its just so much easier to stay home... To not even bother, at this point I should know when I sign up for these things that I will let everyone down.

Then something in my head starts the wheels turning... Who do I think I am? Like anyone even cares if you show up or don't.... Like I am soooo important... uhh no honey I think not... No one will be disappointed because they expect you to fail and quit. You always do. That's what makes me me.

I used to be sooo organized and sooo... dare I say the word.... content !?!.. maybe that's not it because I was always looking for change... Maybe happy... I think although I did have a tendency to do things without thinking I for the most part smiled, I enjoyed my children, I liked schooling them, caring for them, doing crafts with them... I remember being a mom of four (with 2 under 2) and going to a friends house that had 6 children. We were having kind of co op home school day, and I brought crafts...She looked at me with such fear in her eyes.. Absolute dis belief and said "No way we are doing that in my house." I remember being taken back... Isn't it soooo important to make sure these kidlets have an artistic outlet. I mean how much mess could glitter be with 10 kids....

But now I know... I don't do crafts anymore without written contract to the job descriptions of cleaning up the project when its over, and who those jobs belong too.

It becomes more difficult to go places with more children if you allow it to. I have most definitely allowed myself to develop a fear of taking them anywhere or doing anything with them... Now when I try to do something with out them that Fear multiplies itself by every person in the house. The two youngest cling and lose sleep and the other four begin to plot all the things they can do when the mean lady heads out...

I feel stuck... I want to be educated, I want to be proud of myself, for my children to learn that education is a life process and see the struggles that I have to overcome because of poor choices made in high school. I want to do things with them. To not be afraid. To be.....

Who knows.....

Its dark here in my mind... I have to finish a course that I obviously jumped the gun on and will count for nothing. Start two new courses that will HOPEFULLY NOT be a total waste of my time, To finish a box full of crafts for a market I am unlikely to ever be able to attend, let down my two only friends, and come come to terms with the fact that I am TERRIFIED of living in this house with the weather that is due to come, and too lazy and exhausted or skilled to do anything to help the situation.

As the winds howl outside I wonder what I am to learn from this... Fear is a constant? Have more faith? Don't bother trying to do things that take me away from my children EVER?

I have NO IDEA what I am supposed to do and it consumes me... Pray and Pray and Pray I do and it gets more confusing and more self defeating with each day... And a baby due to arrive in about 90 days....

What a life...

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