Why does reality bite so hard??

Today was a busy day...

Woke up.. took a pregnancy test... NEGATIVE AGAIN!! woo hoo... Not meant to have a baby in July it seems.

Mom hauled wood and garbage from her place to our hole while i cleaned the yard and removed a post so i could back the truck close to the barn. By 2 o'clock we were both sore and tired. But since it is supposed to snow tomorrow we still had more to do. We hauled about 200lbs of grain from our bins into the barn so that when it snows we can still feed our cows and sheep.

Mom donated a cast iron tub from her recent renos, so we put that in the cow pen and i will hook it up this weekend.

The kids were outside all day other than a few hours of school this morning, they played in the sand, rode the quad, rode in the back of the truck, helped with the grain. I was exhausted.. them.... apparently not so much because it took until now to get them to bed! GRRRR!!!

So I was supposed to start my PRIDE training tomorrow. Of course i'm not going because EVERYTHING ALWAYS GOES WRONG...

Yesterday the truck broke down, so we replaced the battery and poof she rides again.

The week that Superman was home he told me .... and I quote " This is why i don't want anymore kids" in response to a screaming fit of Birdies because she didn't want to sit in her car seat on the way to church. " We need to get control of our own before we get anymore"..

At first i was Sad... then enraged that he thinks i am such a bad "child tamer" when hes gone. Then as the days progressed i switched back and forth between sad and mad about it.... I settled on sad..

Sadly hes right...

I hardly find time to school them let alone school any more
I hardly find time to read to them... to teach them to read... to bake.... to sleep... to bathe... to get them to lessons....

I don't work outside the house... I don't have anywhere to be other than here and i am so unorganized and tired i can barely get dinner on the table...

Hes right.....

I suck at this mom thing... No wonder i'm not getting pregnant.... God sees my failures from the last six and vows never to make that mistake again...

WELCOME TO MY PITY PARTY... FREE REFRESHMENTS..

I cancelled the PRIDE course and my babysitter. Remind me in future to not even go there about adoption.... Remind me that my parenting skills are lacking... that I am me.. not Supermom.

I think that's it... I want to be "that woman" but i'm not her. I'm disorganized, I'm a clean freak in a house that is never clean, I have obvious control issues and parent with 100 % emotion...

I'm sure my children will turn out alright....

but now i know that i wont be bringing any other children into our home unless by Divine intervention.

As I cry over my keyboard i am obviously not okay with that statement. But life is what it is. So if not more children then what does the Lord have in store for me?

In the near future i see a lot of tears but beyond that.... the Lord only knows.