The past few weeks have not gone well. Perhaps its the season, the weather, the decision to move from here, the first 12 weeks of pregnancy... Whatever the excuse I am burnt out...
Its not just the past few weeks it seems like our home schooling year as of yet has been a bust. My six and 7 year olds are not reading. Not for lack of there enthusiasm but for lack of me being present and available to teach and read with them. By the time the chores are done ... the days gone.. I'm exhausted, angry and moody. They are bored and all fighting for my attention. Home schooling it not always so simple and glamorous.
So I waffle...
Pros to sending them to school this coming semester in January...
-Get rid of all the home schooling clutter.
-Save 70 a month from Time 4 Learning.
- More time with JBear and Birdie. Concentrate on preschool.
- Easier to shop/ go to town.
-They would have the opportunity to learn more.
- They have an opportunity to meet friends and do fun things on a daily basis.
-Their teacher wouldn't be mean to them.
-Its just plain easier to let someone else do it.
The Cons to sending them...
-Their schedule.
-Would miss them.
-They are behind.
-Likely to have to pick them up if they are sick. (more outings)
-Constant asking for money (book orders, Field trips, tuck shop, charities)
-They would have more influence outside the home than inside it.
-Not here for outside chores.
- Constantly asking to hang out with friends.
-I'm a failure to Superman... Nothing new there i guess..
-Birthdays parties, cost and driving etc... Disappointment and resentment if i say no.
-Will have to admit my failure... again...
-Would have to keep all my problems about public school systems to myself.
-The kids might get bullied and there will be no one there to help them.
-Taking the bus.
-Concerts, assemblies, etc...
-Making lunches ( the nut free crap)
-The sent free crap
-The regulations and double standards.
-Peer pressure.
I am so burnt out i don't have any idea what to do... I go to my room and sleep most days for a little while.. Which i have never done before so i attribute that to the pregnancy maybe... I am angry, 98% of the time... My children fall and hurt themselves and i look at them with uncaring eyes and say "your fine get up and go play...." Not feeling like a great mother right now. Really that's all i want to be and i am failing and drowning in it.... SO what can i do... I don't see waking up tomorrow and having it be any better without drastic change... Ohh i will miss them if i send them. I will have horrible issues with control not knowing what they are learning or how their friends are influencing them.
I'm lost and I'm to tired to go looking for myself....
When Superman was here he said he loved me because i am so smart and so beautiful... I just need to learn i cant do it all... Well... beauty is fleeting.... and smart? I was extremely smart when i was 20 (not in my personal decisions but book smart) Now... I need a calculator for the easiest of equations, I am scattered, our home is unkempt i cant make a decision to save my life, every things changed... If it continues on this path i should be a drooler by the time I'm 40...
Is this motherhood?
Friday, December 30, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Our year in review
Our year in review...
Our life here on the farm gives us the ability to do pretty much whatever we want. This year we attempted to farm... We planted 900 fruit trees, bought 9 cows, 12 sheep, and 180 chickens, Bought a acreage size older tractor, sprouted and planted out $120 worth of seeds. The spring was very busy indeed... Now as fall is upon us, and as this year comes to an end its good to take stock... We now have 1 cow (three went to auction and 5 died, needless to say don't buy day old calves from a commercial dairy), 8 sheep(there were a few casualties), and we have 0 chickens (absolutely our fault... we were totally unprepared) of those 900 trees NONE survived after being plowed into the ground by our tractor that has only run twice... I was able to preserve 5 jars of pickles and 2 of tomato sauce from our garden this year. The previous year I had a much better haul.
This year has been plagued with failure and has been very very hard on our marriage. Superman, Nate Dog, and Ms. Proper were baptized in August and we have been going to church ever since. This has brought about many changes in our home both good and sometimes hard. I am obviously delighted that they chose to be baptized, it has however been trying on our marriage to watch so many couples in the church be so organized and together and able to survive on nothing, when we scrape by on a very good salary and never see each other. Its obviously the way we budget and the things we spend our money on but it gets spend none the less... Money is a big bone of contention. The other large "bone" is the churches view that the father leads the home.. This is obviously true but in applying this to our home it has made things worse... How can anyone manage a business if they are never there? How can anyone follow the rules set forth by such a manager when they just don't work? He sets a gas budget and we can barely get to church and the mail once a week on it... i digress... Its not about blame its about change...
Now let me just say.. I am very angry.... be it hormonal or not I am one seriously angry lady... I need change in our life. I NEED to not be this person anymore.. I NEED to improve our marriage... I CAN NOT through another winter in this province. I CAN however be a good mother and take care of my children. I CAN school them and tend to our home without a problem . I CAN take charge and get them to help me more.
Change
... I choose not to speak of my husband anymore. Whenever i speak of him it turns into negativity and I need no more of that...
.... I will not set forth to do things i expect to fail at.... This will be hard because honestly i expect to fail at everything. I think for me this will mean making a realistic plan, pricing it out, being honest with myself about the amount of work it includes and the amount of help i will need, and THEN deciding if there is a likely rate of success before taking anything else on.
... I will get my home and children under control. We lack structure, routine, time management. We need to get a schedule that is both realistic and doable by all involved. It is MY job to RUN our home and that is something i seriously need to work on.
... I will STOP dwelling on all the stupid decisions that we have made up to this point and start making GOOD decisions, well thought out both parties on board decisions. No more... Well You made that decision NOT me.
... I will only take on today... I carry the whole world on my shoulders i worry about college, retirement, our next home, the end of the world, funeral costs... I need to work on today and that's it.
to be continued.... duty calls....
Our life here on the farm gives us the ability to do pretty much whatever we want. This year we attempted to farm... We planted 900 fruit trees, bought 9 cows, 12 sheep, and 180 chickens, Bought a acreage size older tractor, sprouted and planted out $120 worth of seeds. The spring was very busy indeed... Now as fall is upon us, and as this year comes to an end its good to take stock... We now have 1 cow (three went to auction and 5 died, needless to say don't buy day old calves from a commercial dairy), 8 sheep(there were a few casualties), and we have 0 chickens (absolutely our fault... we were totally unprepared) of those 900 trees NONE survived after being plowed into the ground by our tractor that has only run twice... I was able to preserve 5 jars of pickles and 2 of tomato sauce from our garden this year. The previous year I had a much better haul.
This year has been plagued with failure and has been very very hard on our marriage. Superman, Nate Dog, and Ms. Proper were baptized in August and we have been going to church ever since. This has brought about many changes in our home both good and sometimes hard. I am obviously delighted that they chose to be baptized, it has however been trying on our marriage to watch so many couples in the church be so organized and together and able to survive on nothing, when we scrape by on a very good salary and never see each other. Its obviously the way we budget and the things we spend our money on but it gets spend none the less... Money is a big bone of contention. The other large "bone" is the churches view that the father leads the home.. This is obviously true but in applying this to our home it has made things worse... How can anyone manage a business if they are never there? How can anyone follow the rules set forth by such a manager when they just don't work? He sets a gas budget and we can barely get to church and the mail once a week on it... i digress... Its not about blame its about change...
Now let me just say.. I am very angry.... be it hormonal or not I am one seriously angry lady... I need change in our life. I NEED to not be this person anymore.. I NEED to improve our marriage... I CAN NOT through another winter in this province. I CAN however be a good mother and take care of my children. I CAN school them and tend to our home without a problem . I CAN take charge and get them to help me more.
Change
... I choose not to speak of my husband anymore. Whenever i speak of him it turns into negativity and I need no more of that...
.... I will not set forth to do things i expect to fail at.... This will be hard because honestly i expect to fail at everything. I think for me this will mean making a realistic plan, pricing it out, being honest with myself about the amount of work it includes and the amount of help i will need, and THEN deciding if there is a likely rate of success before taking anything else on.
... I will get my home and children under control. We lack structure, routine, time management. We need to get a schedule that is both realistic and doable by all involved. It is MY job to RUN our home and that is something i seriously need to work on.
... I will STOP dwelling on all the stupid decisions that we have made up to this point and start making GOOD decisions, well thought out both parties on board decisions. No more... Well You made that decision NOT me.
... I will only take on today... I carry the whole world on my shoulders i worry about college, retirement, our next home, the end of the world, funeral costs... I need to work on today and that's it.
to be continued.... duty calls....
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Festivities....
So Superman was home for his week off and we had a birthday party for The Prim (6) and Monkey (7) all went well. 16 children from three families and six adults, life is good. We went to church, had our tithing meeting, had the van in to the shop for lack of rear heat, I had a day out to finish my Christmas shopping and buy some maternity clothes (that was awesome), Superman took some of our cows and tack to auction, all in all it was a very productive week.
This week is something different.... J Bear got sick Tuesday and vomited all over Superman (i laugh under my breathe because its funny that it has taken six children and 10 years for him to be vomited on) Tonight Ms. Proper came down said "I'm sick i need a bowl" i handed her one and she started to vomit (nice girl to contain it like that) Then as i am trying to convince her that its okay to sleep with a blanket and the gravol should help, from behind me Birdie (or in this case the exorcist) explodes.....
Thankful my water storage is topped up because I will be washing many floors and doing lots of laundry this week...
Might I add that we all get deathly ill EVERY CHRISTMAS!! I don't know what it is!!! Next year i should start them on immunity boosters as soon as fall hits and see what we can do to end this cycle...
Will post some pictures soon.... The house will be done this week, I'm just ten weeks and still i look like I'm about 4 months pregnant (my body obviously knows what its doing) the kids are all doing well except for being sick. Nate Dog has spent the past three days outside working for the siding guys, doing cleanup and being there Tool hand. He is hoping they will be generous when the time comes to pay him... I hope so too... He has really put in a full effort, not complained bout the cold, laughed and learned from them... Hes doing a great job.
More to come
This week is something different.... J Bear got sick Tuesday and vomited all over Superman (i laugh under my breathe because its funny that it has taken six children and 10 years for him to be vomited on) Tonight Ms. Proper came down said "I'm sick i need a bowl" i handed her one and she started to vomit (nice girl to contain it like that) Then as i am trying to convince her that its okay to sleep with a blanket and the gravol should help, from behind me Birdie (or in this case the exorcist) explodes.....
Thankful my water storage is topped up because I will be washing many floors and doing lots of laundry this week...
Might I add that we all get deathly ill EVERY CHRISTMAS!! I don't know what it is!!! Next year i should start them on immunity boosters as soon as fall hits and see what we can do to end this cycle...
Will post some pictures soon.... The house will be done this week, I'm just ten weeks and still i look like I'm about 4 months pregnant (my body obviously knows what its doing) the kids are all doing well except for being sick. Nate Dog has spent the past three days outside working for the siding guys, doing cleanup and being there Tool hand. He is hoping they will be generous when the time comes to pay him... I hope so too... He has really put in a full effort, not complained bout the cold, laughed and learned from them... Hes doing a great job.
More to come
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Pregnancy WEEK 8
So in having Six children i realize that 8 weeks is NOT a lot of things.... Its not worth a picture to show you how I'm "Showing". Its not counting kicks and telling you heart rates... with 200 some odd days ahead of us in this pregnancy it seems a long way off to D-Day.. But I'll tell you as a mom of many its not long off at all.
Now is a time of sickness for me.. But i will honestly take this over the third trimester any day. Some cramping, food aversions, nausea, and lightheadedness are what are days currently bring... Moodiness and tiredness plague our days but really its not so bad.
I have an Ultrasound Thursday to rule out Ectopic, due to past pregnancy. Once I see this little one in a good place, with those heart chambers swooshing blue and red, my heart will be set at ease. I will be calm....
Two more sleeps!!
Pregnancy is a fascinating time. I always change every pregnancy, i am a different person every time.. I have been the extreme natural pregnancy lady, the give me drugs and lots of them pregnancy lady, the ignorance is bliss pregnancy lady, the i only eat fruit because everything else makes me sick pregnancy lady. I have done henna on my belly, belly casting, tattoos while pregnant(i didn't know i was pregnant at the time).I have had natural births, epidurals, a long list of drugs, pitocin inductions, natural Castor oil inductions. My labours have been from 2 days to 30 minutes (that one was the best.. thanks goodness for my Mother that day). My husband has been by my side(once... but he compared me to a bovine so he doesn't get invited anymore) and my Mother the other five, My aunt was with my once.. for the most natural and most active of them..
My point... This is exciting! Each pregnancy is different, each birth is different. Each baby is TOTALLY different and each grows into a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT person...
I believe that every experience builds our babies... I cant wait to see what kind of baby the next 7 months will build!!
Now is a time of sickness for me.. But i will honestly take this over the third trimester any day. Some cramping, food aversions, nausea, and lightheadedness are what are days currently bring... Moodiness and tiredness plague our days but really its not so bad.
I have an Ultrasound Thursday to rule out Ectopic, due to past pregnancy. Once I see this little one in a good place, with those heart chambers swooshing blue and red, my heart will be set at ease. I will be calm....
Two more sleeps!!
Pregnancy is a fascinating time. I always change every pregnancy, i am a different person every time.. I have been the extreme natural pregnancy lady, the give me drugs and lots of them pregnancy lady, the ignorance is bliss pregnancy lady, the i only eat fruit because everything else makes me sick pregnancy lady. I have done henna on my belly, belly casting, tattoos while pregnant(i didn't know i was pregnant at the time).I have had natural births, epidurals, a long list of drugs, pitocin inductions, natural Castor oil inductions. My labours have been from 2 days to 30 minutes (that one was the best.. thanks goodness for my Mother that day). My husband has been by my side(once... but he compared me to a bovine so he doesn't get invited anymore) and my Mother the other five, My aunt was with my once.. for the most natural and most active of them..
My point... This is exciting! Each pregnancy is different, each birth is different. Each baby is TOTALLY different and each grows into a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT person...
I believe that every experience builds our babies... I cant wait to see what kind of baby the next 7 months will build!!
Monday, November 21, 2011
And the beat goes on...
Our Christmas tree is up.. Our stockings are hung and it is still November. This is the earliest we have ever put our tree up but with Superman off to work until Christmas it was our only chance to do it "as a family". It looks very festive. This weekend marked the children's primary presentation in Church. It was a lot of fun. The kids all remembered their lines and all smiled at the crowd before them. It was so nice to see them up there, participating.
Things are getting done... Some days i feel like wow... I organized that whole room, other days i think wow... i didn't even brush my teeth today. Its a toss up as to what will come each day. With Superman home he fixed our only toilet, Installed a baseboard heater into the room with no heat, had snow tires put on the van, went to the doctor with me (bonding time), and i believe today he is setting up the animal waterers for the winter months with heaters and such... So that has been productive. We did the major building for our Bookcase to kid kitchen makeover (the little ones Christmas present) I am painting it with melamine but Superman cant stand the smell so i have to wait until hes back to work to finish that.
I am feeling tired (week 7 ) a bit nauseated (not too bad) and a whole lot disorganized and discouraged....Its hard to keep up with all the fighting between the married folks around here... always about money and each others lack of communication and follow through... He is home for only a few more days and then its back to the solo gig... I am hormonal and right offended at his rederick... grrrrr.... grrrrrr.. grrr....
Considering finding a job... to "help out" what a joke that would be.... hey maybe Tim Horton's would hire me? Ridiculous!
Things are getting done... Some days i feel like wow... I organized that whole room, other days i think wow... i didn't even brush my teeth today. Its a toss up as to what will come each day. With Superman home he fixed our only toilet, Installed a baseboard heater into the room with no heat, had snow tires put on the van, went to the doctor with me (bonding time), and i believe today he is setting up the animal waterers for the winter months with heaters and such... So that has been productive. We did the major building for our Bookcase to kid kitchen makeover (the little ones Christmas present) I am painting it with melamine but Superman cant stand the smell so i have to wait until hes back to work to finish that.
I am feeling tired (week 7 ) a bit nauseated (not too bad) and a whole lot disorganized and discouraged....Its hard to keep up with all the fighting between the married folks around here... always about money and each others lack of communication and follow through... He is home for only a few more days and then its back to the solo gig... I am hormonal and right offended at his rederick... grrrrr.... grrrrrr.. grrr....
Considering finding a job... to "help out" what a joke that would be.... hey maybe Tim Horton's would hire me? Ridiculous!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
A quickie but a goody!!!
I had planned to keep a secret until much later when i was sure that everything was perfect... but if you know me at all ... there's no perfect and i find it agonizing to wait for anything... So ....
Despite all my hormonally raging recent blog posts...
We are expecting!!!
I am due July 14th 2012. Which makes me just about 5 weeks...
Now this is obviously early to be jumping for joy but we have been waiting for so long and i feel like things will be alright... ( I had an eptopic pregnancy before J-Bear and was given a Methotrexate injection to "reabsorb" the fetus. I was 9 weeks at the time) I am feeling fabulous. Of course i have many many plans... Right now I am just happy, Superman is happy. The kids are happy.
Please pray for us. Thanks
Cat
By the way there is a new ticker to help guide my progress. We will keep you updated!
Despite all my hormonally raging recent blog posts...
We are expecting!!!
I am due July 14th 2012. Which makes me just about 5 weeks...
Now this is obviously early to be jumping for joy but we have been waiting for so long and i feel like things will be alright... ( I had an eptopic pregnancy before J-Bear and was given a Methotrexate injection to "reabsorb" the fetus. I was 9 weeks at the time) I am feeling fabulous. Of course i have many many plans... Right now I am just happy, Superman is happy. The kids are happy.
Please pray for us. Thanks
Cat
By the way there is a new ticker to help guide my progress. We will keep you updated!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
NOVEMBER 6th 2011.. The FIRST snow fall!
I am AMAZED it hadn't snowed earlier. The year i had J-Bear it snowed on October 12th. Every other year since we have been in Saskatchewan it has snowed on Halloween. So the lack of snow this year has been delightful. However it began to snow last night and has yet to stop.
I attempted to take my trusty Econoline filled with children to church this morning.... We packed cinder blocks in the back... a shovel.. a jack... and our emergency kit... JUST IN CASE!
Well... It took me almost an hour to drive 30 kms.... that's 15 out and 15 back home... Gramma took the truck and Big Dog (i love 4x4s) in instead (to pick Mrs. Proper up from a slumber party), then she will pick up Milk and Bread for the week and head back here.
I think we are going to be housebound for a while. I will put Snow Tires on the Econoline and hopefully that will make a difference, but she was slipping all over the place! ... I am still a lot shaky from my accident last year, so the snow makes me very apprehensive about driving.. I don't mind being home when its cold outside.
Hoping all of you a good Sabbath Day. Drive safely!
I attempted to take my trusty Econoline filled with children to church this morning.... We packed cinder blocks in the back... a shovel.. a jack... and our emergency kit... JUST IN CASE!
Well... It took me almost an hour to drive 30 kms.... that's 15 out and 15 back home... Gramma took the truck and Big Dog (i love 4x4s) in instead (to pick Mrs. Proper up from a slumber party), then she will pick up Milk and Bread for the week and head back here.
I think we are going to be housebound for a while. I will put Snow Tires on the Econoline and hopefully that will make a difference, but she was slipping all over the place! ... I am still a lot shaky from my accident last year, so the snow makes me very apprehensive about driving.. I don't mind being home when its cold outside.
Hoping all of you a good Sabbath Day. Drive safely!
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