Baby steps...

As i am almost 30 years old i decided its time i have my own room....

Yesterday I put Prim, proper, monkey and J-Bear in one room and I took over the "boys" room.... I put up a toddler bed for Birdie on the other side of my room and had room to set up my rocking chair, a night stand and a table beside my chair....

I don't have a door...

BUT..

its a good start... I ended up passing out at about 11pm with Birdie nursing and J-bear tried to crawl in at about 2am (i directed him to the toddler bed) So this is progress...

As a matter of fact i was so stiff this morning from not having to contort to sleep around my children that i can barely move! Funny that!

So its progress... In theory, the boys will have a room upstairs and the girls will have a room and Big Dog will move to the basement where he can do his thing... But as our basement isn't finished yet... its an idea in progress.. But mom needed a room of her own, I am so excited about it. I have my quilt, I'm going to buy myself a lamp ((ooooo aaaaahhh)) i put a sheepskin on the floor in front of the toddler bed so birdie wouldn't hit such a hard surface if she falls out and it hasn't moved... no one used it to wipe up a spill or decided to play dress up... they were so excited about having their rooms together they left mine alone.

I'm sure that will fade but we will see....



The farm thing...

I smell like poo....

all the time...

That's life on the farm i guess...

We have 10 lambs.... 5 cows..... 3 old sheep... 4 goats.... about 10 cats.... 2 dogs

DO YOU REALIZE THAT'S 34 ANIMALS!!!!!!!!!

Holy crap!

No wonder I'm tired and pissed off!

So in my always searching for a small business mind, i had plans.... Butcher the boy lambs... Fill the freezer and have some Christmas/birthday gifts, and hold back the ewes for wool and to eventually breed. The calves i was going to stud out or hold back and feed over the next year so they could feed us next year and be a decent size come butchering time... The older sheep are good for wool and the goats are lawnmowers.. no good for meat, they just hang out....

However in lue of my reality that winter will come and be just as cold as last year... I dont know how i will manage all of these things in the cold. I have banned children's chores so it is all me and gramma doing it (with help from Mr. Rigger when hes home) and i quite honestly HATE WINTER...

Soooo...

EVERYONE DIES!!!..

That's a pretty harsh way to put it but thems the breaks...

All the lambs will be butchered....

The calves sold at auction

the large sheep butchered...

the goats sold at auction...

the Kitty's can stay as long as they keep the mouse population down..

the dogs... guard me... they can stay.

There will be no hauling buckets of water, freezing water, picking animal noses or treating animal frost bite... No trying to dispose of frozen carcasses, no chasing animals off the road that managed to walk up the snow banks and OVER the fences....

I'm not having it!

I will smell nice for at least a few months this year..... I HOPE!

Does this circle end....

Here's the thing....

I am tired and cranky.. its not going away... I think that the change has to be drastic, Life changing, prolific....

Things change, people change, ideas change....

I've changed...

The school thing...

Hmmm... K... My six are home schooled. This past year was awful... boring... mind numbing... Awful..

I gave up on Big Dog at the end and my mom took over by sitting at the table with him and doing everything but holding his pencil and writing for him... He needed promptings EVERYDAY EVERY TEN MINUTES!!! the other kids Ms. Prim, Proper, and the monkey. Were okay if they had no writing to do.. and basically they absorbed what we read but how much can you read and how much are they absorbing when mommy is fumbling the book over the nursing babe and stopping every ten seconds to drag the toddler off the TV stand?

It was frustrating.. it was annoying, and i don't think the information was presented in an effective manner...

Better luck this year right?


Well here's where my little circle of thought begins....

1. (as the children all bicker about something absolutely minuscule or i have to do something that a five year old should be capable of doing on her own) THATS IT!!! They all get signed up for public school! They go on the bus at 8am return home at 4pm and i will have 8 hours a day to parent the other two... to get organized, clean the house.... I can do everything for them... put out there clothes, bake things for there lunches...... SHOWER!!!!

2. But really (after one of them smiles at me) Its Big Dog that is the hardest to teach. He believes the grass is greener on the other side and he wants to be a person separate from his family. He wants to have peers to "hang out" with, have sleep overs, and do things... He needs that freedom. 8am HE gets on the bus and at 4PM hopefully he comes home...... I could make him his lunch and do his laundry, like its done anyways...


3. (The wheels in my head begin to turn a little faster) Then the younger 5 are home.... then i think well Catherine wants to go and Jacob needs some identity outside of being Graces pet so maybe they should go... I cant honestly bear to send Grace... When she was public schooled she cried everyday, begging me not to drop her off... and she has no desire to repeat that.. but if three were in school and she was home with the babes and me, then she would feel left out, that the other kids had peers she doesn't...

4. Then theres the school itself.... PJ day, Rider, day, hot dog sales, donation please... terry fox, money grab... Field trip.... money grab... Field trip... government sanctioned required education hours, money grab. money grab. money grab... Corporate your not my friend but i had to invite you birthday parties, peer pressure, drugs, sex education, money grab ... UUUUUGGGGGHHHH...

5. I don't want to send my daughters there!!! then I look like some sexist hick who "only sends her boys out to get an education".

6. Hell i don't want to send my boys there either.... they don't need to associate with THEM... They are just fine at home..

7. Do i believe that? I am a great teacher until it comes to the important stuff ... like reading... Jake is almost 7 and doesn't read... grace was 7 and went to school for two months and they had her reading... they accomplished more in that eight weeks than i had in a year at home... Maybe she wasn't ready... maybe i wasn't a good teacher...

8. Am i a sell out if i put them in school? Will i regret it when they grow up "if i could have just stuck it out through those hard times i could have succeeded in schooling them myself" I hate everything that public school is about.. conformity, immunizations, broad spectrum curriculum, DUMBING IT UP!

9. (the thoughts haunt me) My kids are annoying! They are LITERALLY latched on 24 hours a day... they sleep in my bed, cough in my food, wipe there noses on my shirt. They bath with me, breath on me, watch me pee, and i'm pretty sure (although they wont admit it) are using my toothbrush! I need some space... I'm a wee bit crazy....

10. This is just a phase and God will answer my prayers to guide me.... he will let me know (hopefully soon and hopefully VERY CLEARLY) what needs to be done....

11. The kids are bickering again.... See number 1.

And so this circle of thought continues all day and night long..

I tend to fixate on things until i have them figured, only then can i move on... That is so frustrating!!!

Any thoughts on what to do here people? I was considering using the blender to drown out the bickering when I'm in the kitchen but they figured out how to turn it off...

When i leave the room they follow..

I'm lost.. help me out here people... A friend told me i need to find something just for me... but that doesn't work... if i have to be somewhere at a certain time, i can guarantee wither vomit or a fever. A particular day... say Wednesday.... might as well rename it meltdownday....

I don't thing that's it.....
 See number one...

Today is a brand new day!!!

Today Mr. Rigger heads back to work.

The lawns need to be mowed, water, hauled, laundry, animals fed, fencing finished, and the list goes on....

But today i feel pretty darn good! We had a good week with Daddy home... We put up some fence posts (100 or so) we had a successful market on Saturday. Enjoyed perusing the local garage sales (got myself an angel food cake pan! oooo aaaahhhh ) and a few board games for the kids. Sunday Mr. Rigger was sick  I hauled water, and went and picked up SIX MORE LAMBS!!! What can i say i am a glutton for punishment.

I woke up this morning and felt different... Maybe not so pissed off at the world and feeling a little more able to accomplish something today.... I don't know how long that feeling will last but i am hoping that it will last a while...

So way back in the day I did the Herbal Magic Diet and lost a whole wack of Weight after my 4th was born. But my my it was expensive, so instead of signing up again i have decided to jut do the died again.... and since i'm breastfeeding i cant take the pills anyways... so i was thinking about maybe weekly weigh ins on here.... You know, keep the fear of public embarrassment in my mind set to keep me on track....

So without further ado...

June 6th  152.4...

Earlier in the year i was 140 but not so much anymore.....
So here's hoping..

Today is going to be a busy one... I'm going to TRY to get all the mowing done before the brood gets up.... wish me luck...

Have a good day!

Weaning..... night two...

I caved...

Mr. Rigger (MY ROCK) crumbled...

She awoke at 12midnight and screamed for over an hour, I was nauseated i was so tired...

Mr. Rigger suggests we wait until shes older and she understands no....

So maybe I will still be feeding her when she goes off to college...

I'm still learning the meaning of NO!!!

Another day of fencing to come, Big Dog has the sickness, the power went out last night (back on now), its super cold out. Market is Saturday... Driving to the city tonight to go to my first pole dancing class... maybe...

I wanted to do something fun for me... for a break... for excercise, that i could handle... but life always seems to creep up and say "Not likely you can abandon your family for personal endeavours honey!" We will see how the day goes but i can already see it ending in disaster.... 

Its almost like i enjoy throwing our money away!! chickens, garden, exercise class, over spending on groceries this time (I bought the kids super expensive place mats and puzzles)... I'm tired and cranky and feeling very upset about the weaning... 

Lord help me to serve others with a happy heart, to do my best at what i am able to do, to have compassion for growing babes and to put myself last.

Help me... help me... help me....

its 4:45am.... Lord help me! 

Weaning...

24 hours of no breastfeeding!!! i am BOUND and she is DETERMINED to have some milk! She screamed for a good hour last night but between Mr. Rigger and I we were able to stay calm and get through the night with out breastfeeding... hopefully that was the hardest night...

THANK THE LORD FOR THE WONDER PETS!!!!!!

And the perspective shifts...

We have lived on our farm since 2006, we moved from a city with a BEAUTIFUL HOUSE (by beautiful i mean finished) with a chain link fenced yard, 4 kids, 1 dog, i think we had a cat.... a few fish... and a plastic snow shovel.... (i point that out because i brought that snow shovel with me when we moved.... it lasted one snow fall.. I rarely shovelled after that)

Since we moved there have been huge changes..

Of course in five years there is going to be change, there is going to be growth, hiccups in marriage, commitment issues, children born....

I get it...

In 2006 I would cry if a room was untidy....

My children all walked around in clean clothes, with groomed hair....

They ate meals with a starch, a veggie, and a meat, every night...

But our perspective has changed...

Now there hair is up to them..... Although i have offered to "chop it all off" if they recruit me to find the brush one more time.

I don't cry at an untidy room... there was a stage after that when i would take a deep breathe and scream at children until it was clean, another stage i would take a deep breath and get down on my knees and clean it myself in a very somber tone in the hopes that the children would see my efforts and decide on there own to help me (yeah.... no)

next was the rum stage....

Now when i say this i don't want you to think i am a drunk.... In my life i think i have finished about 3 40s of booze.. they just all happen to have been in the past year or so.....

In the rum stage...

I would tidy and work until the Tylenol wouldn't work for pain and sore muscles, then i would have a drink and work some more... its way easier when you are a bit light in the head... and cant focus enough to remember why you are angry..

I gained 15 lbs.....

That's A LOT OF RUM and MIX!!!!

So I came to a decision.. either i started cutting out meals or i would have to find a different way to deal with my stresses. 

I love food, so cutting meals was out... although i did live on only desserts for a little while there...

So now where am i at?

How has my perspective changed....

Well..

Yesterday we lost a lamb... Not sure why but when we went out for the morning feel he was lying separate from the pack, dead.. 

My reaction was not aww... what could i have done to save him... awww that's so sad... or aww poor thing...

It was..

Hmmm.. i wonder if hes still in rigger cause that's gonna be a bitch to put in a garbage bag if he is...

hmm...

then we went to feed the calves and Silva our sicky was lying down and looking a bit off.. my first thought... "well at least Mr.Rigger will be home to help my drag out the body... its like 120lbs you know"

I shake my head at myself some times but then i wish i could detach myself that much in other ways...

Things die, they weren't born here, i don't know the health of the parents, the conditions they were born in, the genetics, what occurred those important few hours after birth..I just don't know so i do the best i can, keep there living space clean and there food healthy and in good supply. Keep an eye on them.. what more can you do..

I sometimes wish i could have the same attitude when i got tin the house.. For our home and children, i wish i could just do the best i can, keep there living space clean, feed them healthy meals and keep an eye on them... and realize THAT'S ALL I CAN DO!

But its a hard sell... Its a big house and i feel the need to guide them, when left to there own devices... grrrrrr..... that's all i will say is "GRRRRRRR"

I am having an especially hard time with Big Dog lately. Call it pre pubescent deafness, or just a shift in his perspective, but he is in a bad spot right now. He doesn't want to help out, because its a lot of work but at the same time he is always coming up with things that he "Needs" or he wants. Games, privileges, mom drive me here, get me this...

I am at a loss as to what to do.. I have shut down completely. I have no idea what to say to the kid. He is just an 11 year old boy and that's what they are like... Says my mother. Well that's all good and dandy but most eleven year old boys aren't required to help on the farm and be home schooled.. Compliance is a huge part of our lives... without compliance... without his help... I'm screwed! How do you teach a kid that thinks he knows more than you and tells you your wrong every time you open your mouth?

He is a product of his environment I KNOW...He is so much like ME it kills me. I am very negative to him because i don't see the light in anything he is doing... I ignore him because i don't know what to say to him... I am sure he is looking for acceptance or belonging, I KNOW... I KNOW.. I KNOW... What i don't know is what to say to him... How do you reward defiance? I just don't see good in what he does, i see laziness and bad habits forming... I love him.... He is my son and i love him..... but i don't know what to do .... I DO KNOW i cant do anything to change him, but i will not chase him around when he disappears in town, or steals money out of our change piles... When he lies to me.. do i just pretend like I don't know??

and that concludes the drama for today... babies are up...

Today we go pick up our new Quad... tomorrow, fencing, Saturday market, Monday daddy goes back to work....

and the beat goes on.... 

 Doves...