Sometimes I feel as though GOD has this amazing hold on my life. Now obviously he is GOD so he can do what he likes but one cant help but think for the most part that hes there for Birthdays and Christmas but not REALLY there every moment, right?
Except when you want to do something... Like go somewhere... alone.... without kids... and maybe have an opportunity to do something that may scare you a bit but would (in your mind) do you some good.
Yeah your scared and nervous about being out of your comfort zone but you are ready to handle it.....
And then GOD steps in... like an outraged father and says... "uhh.. no way sweetheart... You are not going anywhere"
That's where I seem to be stuck right now...
I was denied from a program that I applied too (actually the woman on the phone did her best not to laugh at me but I could literally here her snicker as she dumbed it up for the silly dropout she was speaking to on the phone.)
I was all gung-ho to get involved in a market in a nearby town and the night before, everything i touch turns to crap, some of the kids have fevers, I cant seem to find anything I am looking for and every time i turn my back something else is being trashed, or spilled, or someone else is vomiting or running for the toilet. Not to mention the Winter Storm Warning posted for our area and the fact that the winds will be gusting to 60 while I attempt to drive my "high roll over risk" Econoline through it, to leave my children with a babysitter, when I know they are going to freak out and the two I am taking with me are going to be the death of my pocketbook.
And a long term project. That consists of me doing some courses and HOPEFULLY getting into a different program that I applied for, planning and follow through for a huge undertaking, and trying to overcome my fears of EVERYTHING in the process.
Is it possible that if I just stayed home and never planner to help out or do anything that just benefited me on the short term that the weather may cooperate and the children wouldn't be sick as much? It seems that way... I cant remember a time when I have gone anywhere that wasn't tainted by vomit or monumental aggravation.
Its just so much easier to stay home... To not even bother, at this point I should know when I sign up for these things that I will let everyone down.
Then something in my head starts the wheels turning... Who do I think I am? Like anyone even cares if you show up or don't.... Like I am soooo important... uhh no honey I think not... No one will be disappointed because they expect you to fail and quit. You always do. That's what makes me me.
I used to be sooo organized and sooo... dare I say the word.... content !?!.. maybe that's not it because I was always looking for change... Maybe happy... I think although I did have a tendency to do things without thinking I for the most part smiled, I enjoyed my children, I liked schooling them, caring for them, doing crafts with them... I remember being a mom of four (with 2 under 2) and going to a friends house that had 6 children. We were having kind of co op home school day, and I brought crafts...She looked at me with such fear in her eyes.. Absolute dis belief and said "No way we are doing that in my house." I remember being taken back... Isn't it soooo important to make sure these kidlets have an artistic outlet. I mean how much mess could glitter be with 10 kids....
But now I know... I don't do crafts anymore without written contract to the job descriptions of cleaning up the project when its over, and who those jobs belong too.
It becomes more difficult to go places with more children if you allow it to. I have most definitely allowed myself to develop a fear of taking them anywhere or doing anything with them... Now when I try to do something with out them that Fear multiplies itself by every person in the house. The two youngest cling and lose sleep and the other four begin to plot all the things they can do when the mean lady heads out...
I feel stuck... I want to be educated, I want to be proud of myself, for my children to learn that education is a life process and see the struggles that I have to overcome because of poor choices made in high school. I want to do things with them. To not be afraid. To be.....
Who knows.....
Its dark here in my mind... I have to finish a course that I obviously jumped the gun on and will count for nothing. Start two new courses that will HOPEFULLY NOT be a total waste of my time, To finish a box full of crafts for a market I am unlikely to ever be able to attend, let down my two only friends, and come come to terms with the fact that I am TERRIFIED of living in this house with the weather that is due to come, and too lazy and exhausted or skilled to do anything to help the situation.
As the winds howl outside I wonder what I am to learn from this... Fear is a constant? Have more faith? Don't bother trying to do things that take me away from my children EVER?
I have NO IDEA what I am supposed to do and it consumes me... Pray and Pray and Pray I do and it gets more confusing and more self defeating with each day... And a baby due to arrive in about 90 days....
What a life...
Friday, April 6, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Oh that time does fly...
Days are getting longer on the prairie but it seems as though we are losing time. We wake get breakfast, get some school done, have lunch, the kids play outside, its time for dinner, then bathes, reading and bed. The same routine over and over without much deviation. Thankfully things are getting done.
Last week when I went to the Doctor he told me I am gaining weight to fast. To which I replied "well maybe its time to refer me to my OBGYN now..." I have gained 25 lbs.. But in my defense I think I was having a fat day (seriously) my scale at home a week later says 176 which is 6 lbs under my Dr visit weight. Anyways whatever.. I'm going to gain more and then I will have to lose it just like every other pregnancy so "What of it?" Dr.A seemed rather concerned, he told me of the risks of preeclampcia and all of the awful things i was doing to my body by being overweight... Then as he took my blood pressure 96/70 he says "You should really up your fluid intake, a consistent low blood pressure is a bad thing you know, I'd like to see it a little higher come next appointment" SO... Make up your mind buddy!
I left no more knowledgeable then i entered.
I have some pictures for your viewing pleasure... Our kitchen "PHASE 1" complete. Base cabinets and counter tops. A picture of my overweight 27 week preggo body, and maybe some other stuff...
Last week when I went to the Doctor he told me I am gaining weight to fast. To which I replied "well maybe its time to refer me to my OBGYN now..." I have gained 25 lbs.. But in my defense I think I was having a fat day (seriously) my scale at home a week later says 176 which is 6 lbs under my Dr visit weight. Anyways whatever.. I'm going to gain more and then I will have to lose it just like every other pregnancy so "What of it?" Dr.A seemed rather concerned, he told me of the risks of preeclampcia and all of the awful things i was doing to my body by being overweight... Then as he took my blood pressure 96/70 he says "You should really up your fluid intake, a consistent low blood pressure is a bad thing you know, I'd like to see it a little higher come next appointment" SO... Make up your mind buddy!
I left no more knowledgeable then i entered.
I have some pictures for your viewing pleasure... Our kitchen "PHASE 1" complete. Base cabinets and counter tops. A picture of my overweight 27 week preggo body, and maybe some other stuff...
Dry fitting the sink
Superman ordered some super cool Stainless nosing. Great way to finish the edges for the novice tiler.
Its so shiny and pretty.. Easy to keep clean... I am lovin' it.
Putting it all together in our former Computer room.
Our lasy Susan (there are TWO) one on either side of the stove. I love them.
My belly WEEK 27. 13 weeks to go! Baby number 7 pregnancy number 8. I might just be vain but i don't think i'm all that huge... Its not a perfectly round belly, but really my body doesn't look normal even when i'm not pregnant... Check out the lack of posterior cushion.... Yeah.. I have an entire body part missing... NO BUTT at all.. Just a back and legs... Ahh the joys of body structure.
On a healthy note. Made my self a little work out routine that I can do while i'm with the kids . Weights with my little dumbbells in the kitchen while I cook, step ups on the stairs whenever i walk by the stairs, an oath to only sit when I'm reading to the kids, helping with homework or when my legs are burning so badly i cant stand to stand. Drinking lots of Raspberry and nettle tea (making Ice tea in a big jug and that's my water quota for the day) taking the kids for a walk down the country road everyday (for the past three..but its a start) Birdie is walking the whole way (quite proud of her), and trying to watch what i eat a little closer.. Laying off the bread, which i think is my only problem. More veggies and less bread. That ought to make a difference. I hope. Joined Babyfit.com which has a nutrition tracker and it totally free, so that's helping too.
We will have to wait another 13 weeks or so to see the product of these efforts but for the in term I feel good about what I am doing on a daily basis and the effort I'm putting into this pregnancy so I think that's all that matters...
Back to the hum drum...
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
A return to rambling...
So much has happened since i left the face of the blogger world. Best of all the morning sickness, crazy tired part of my pregnancy is over! We now face the tired leg, heartburn faze.
I am taking a few courses via distance ed from SIAST. Hopefully it will lead somewhere but i have promised myself that i will take the courses one unit at a time and one exam at a time.
The children... well there were the measles.... that was a fun one... then there was the vomiting and diarrhea for no reason that they all had.. But all in all sicknesses aside the kids have been well.
Big Dog attended a Winter Camp with his Scout Troop which he thoroughly enjoyed. He has spent his days rigging traps for winter animals and building things outside when he can. Other than that he is absorbed in reading and is progressing well in his studies. He is struggling a little in Math but in all other subjects he is doing very well.
Ms. Proper just had a birthday. She turned nine, and we all went swimming to celebrate the occasion. She has "grown up" a bit in the past few months. She has been more diligent in her studies and seems happier to be part of our family now. I'm not sure what clicked but she is actually playing with her siblings rather than brow beating them for a change, so whatever happened there i hope keeps up. She has got the reading bug now too. Gramma bought her a whole series of books for her birthday (the warrior series, by Erin Hunter) So i am sure she will be much more fluent by the summers end. She has started helping out around the house a lot more. Almost everyday she asks me "Is there anything i can help you with mom?" Its nice to see her stepping out of the little kid role and becoming a lady.
Monkey is thin... He had the measles and the vomiting flu back to back and was turned off food for a few days, unfortunately the boy doesn't have much reserve so he has wasted a way to a stick. He is improving now but i think it will take him a month or two to pack on a little weight. He has finished his math curriculum for the year, and has only a little more language arts before he finishes for the year. He has figured out how to navigate the computer pretty well and can type his own name and passwords. He has progressed in his reading with the promise of a new bike. Now, i know bribery is not for things like this but... It was Supermans deal with him and in their defense, the boy is 7 and reads nothing. He writes HIS name and that's about it. He has been seeing a speech therapist, has figured out the SH sound and taught himself to whistle. He is on lesson 15 in the 100 easy lessons to teach your child to read, and he is GETTING IT! I am so thankful for that. Perhaps he is like some of our other children, with enough incentive they can move mountains.
The Prim received a makeup kit for her birthday in December and since has had a hot pink mustache or hives from the layers of eyeshadow she has layered on (thanks Gramma). She is still the prim. She still changes into a clean dress every time we play music, so she can spin and feel pretty. She is on lesson 25 in our reading book and is progressing well. She has finished all the curriculum that i bought for grade one (so i had to buy more) and she is flying through what i bought! She is ready to move on but i want to make sure her reading is concrete before she moves on to anything else. She is still my maternal mama. She is fantasising about this baby just as much as me. She is starting to babysit for me too. While i put Birdie down for her nap her job is to keep J Bear out of trouble, and when i have a shower she watches the two of them. Delightful! We put her and Monkey in swimming lessons and she still just isn't ready, she gets very dramatic and flails herself around, its a bit much. She tried when she was four and now at six, Perhaps she will be better at 8?
J Bear is a tornado. He talks all day long, he spins, he yells, he runs, he colours, he talks some more, he IS A BOY and HE IS THREE! He terrorizes his siblings and makes a mess wherever he goes. But my oh my does that boy laugh! He is a great helper if you can keep up with him. He is LEARNING. I cant wait for good weather so that they can go outside. Poor boy gets all dressed up in his snow gear with his mitts and can barely walk through the snow. If there is a wind there is no fun to be had out there for a little guy! He colours a lot but there is only so much a little guy can do alone. I know hard to believe that anyone is EVER alone in our house (i rarely feel alone) but i think hes lonely, he causes trouble so the others will pay attention. Any attention is good attention right?
Birdie aww the weee one. She talks all day long!! Only two years old with the "blessings" of older siblings and the determination to be understood. She honestly speaks just as well as James, only not quite as loudly. She is making progress. She SLEEPS IN HER OWN BED!!! Its in my room and we hold hand until she falls asleep but hey I'm good with that. Being prego and sharing a bed with a kicking toddler is not so much fun. I like my bed all to myself thanks. She is off the boob and the bottle. She drinks out of a sippy cup before bed and when we travel and a normal cup during the day. She is growing like a week. She has hit the stage where you buy her clothes she wears them and the laundry somehow piles up for a few days, you get it all done and POOF the clothes wont fit her anymore... What the?? She repeats her self and is convinced that anytime she feels an itch or gets a bump it is the cats fault (i don't know what the girl has against cats but it is what it is).
and the bump.... Ahhh we are 21 weeks along. HE is growing beautifully. YUP HE!! So to recap out children are as follows.. Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl, and BOY. Isn't that balanced? Its lovely. I have gone through our basement and manage to pare down to one tote of baby clothes. I got rid of anything girly, anything i wouldn't use the first year, and anything that i was brutally honestly not going to use. I got rid of three large garbage bags! I have EVERYTHING for a baby so i bought some material and made receiving blankets and wipes, knitted a blanket, crochet a blanket, knitted a few hats, and attempted some socks (bad scene, not even going there!) So now i am waiting.... at this point in child rearing I realize that July will be here before I know it. We are half way through March and it was just Christmas a few weeks ago I swear! I'm not uncomfortable yet. My VV are tolerable. I am taking it easy for sure. No heavy lifting no demolition, etc... but all in all other than being scared something was wrong (the ultrasound put all my worries to rest), and utter exhaustion it has been a rather uneventful pregnancy. I like uneventful... uneventful is good. I have a few new habits that i never did before. I watch movies on my laptop a few nights a week after the kids go to bed, I have never been a TV person but as of late i am a person that likes to lie down. I eat at night (usually healthy stuff), and i seem to be completing things before i move on to something else.... THAT'S NEW!! How many dresses did i make to never put the zipper in? How many needle points never completed? How many meal plans never stuck too? But as of late I have craved the organization and it FEELS GOOD to complete things.
More to come... We started a kitchen redo!! It is seriously Superman's best work (next to the children, of course) I am so pleased with it...
I am taking a few courses via distance ed from SIAST. Hopefully it will lead somewhere but i have promised myself that i will take the courses one unit at a time and one exam at a time.
The children... well there were the measles.... that was a fun one... then there was the vomiting and diarrhea for no reason that they all had.. But all in all sicknesses aside the kids have been well.
Big Dog attended a Winter Camp with his Scout Troop which he thoroughly enjoyed. He has spent his days rigging traps for winter animals and building things outside when he can. Other than that he is absorbed in reading and is progressing well in his studies. He is struggling a little in Math but in all other subjects he is doing very well.
Ms. Proper just had a birthday. She turned nine, and we all went swimming to celebrate the occasion. She has "grown up" a bit in the past few months. She has been more diligent in her studies and seems happier to be part of our family now. I'm not sure what clicked but she is actually playing with her siblings rather than brow beating them for a change, so whatever happened there i hope keeps up. She has got the reading bug now too. Gramma bought her a whole series of books for her birthday (the warrior series, by Erin Hunter) So i am sure she will be much more fluent by the summers end. She has started helping out around the house a lot more. Almost everyday she asks me "Is there anything i can help you with mom?" Its nice to see her stepping out of the little kid role and becoming a lady.
Monkey is thin... He had the measles and the vomiting flu back to back and was turned off food for a few days, unfortunately the boy doesn't have much reserve so he has wasted a way to a stick. He is improving now but i think it will take him a month or two to pack on a little weight. He has finished his math curriculum for the year, and has only a little more language arts before he finishes for the year. He has figured out how to navigate the computer pretty well and can type his own name and passwords. He has progressed in his reading with the promise of a new bike. Now, i know bribery is not for things like this but... It was Supermans deal with him and in their defense, the boy is 7 and reads nothing. He writes HIS name and that's about it. He has been seeing a speech therapist, has figured out the SH sound and taught himself to whistle. He is on lesson 15 in the 100 easy lessons to teach your child to read, and he is GETTING IT! I am so thankful for that. Perhaps he is like some of our other children, with enough incentive they can move mountains.
The Prim received a makeup kit for her birthday in December and since has had a hot pink mustache or hives from the layers of eyeshadow she has layered on (thanks Gramma). She is still the prim. She still changes into a clean dress every time we play music, so she can spin and feel pretty. She is on lesson 25 in our reading book and is progressing well. She has finished all the curriculum that i bought for grade one (so i had to buy more) and she is flying through what i bought! She is ready to move on but i want to make sure her reading is concrete before she moves on to anything else. She is still my maternal mama. She is fantasising about this baby just as much as me. She is starting to babysit for me too. While i put Birdie down for her nap her job is to keep J Bear out of trouble, and when i have a shower she watches the two of them. Delightful! We put her and Monkey in swimming lessons and she still just isn't ready, she gets very dramatic and flails herself around, its a bit much. She tried when she was four and now at six, Perhaps she will be better at 8?
J Bear is a tornado. He talks all day long, he spins, he yells, he runs, he colours, he talks some more, he IS A BOY and HE IS THREE! He terrorizes his siblings and makes a mess wherever he goes. But my oh my does that boy laugh! He is a great helper if you can keep up with him. He is LEARNING. I cant wait for good weather so that they can go outside. Poor boy gets all dressed up in his snow gear with his mitts and can barely walk through the snow. If there is a wind there is no fun to be had out there for a little guy! He colours a lot but there is only so much a little guy can do alone. I know hard to believe that anyone is EVER alone in our house (i rarely feel alone) but i think hes lonely, he causes trouble so the others will pay attention. Any attention is good attention right?
Birdie aww the weee one. She talks all day long!! Only two years old with the "blessings" of older siblings and the determination to be understood. She honestly speaks just as well as James, only not quite as loudly. She is making progress. She SLEEPS IN HER OWN BED!!! Its in my room and we hold hand until she falls asleep but hey I'm good with that. Being prego and sharing a bed with a kicking toddler is not so much fun. I like my bed all to myself thanks. She is off the boob and the bottle. She drinks out of a sippy cup before bed and when we travel and a normal cup during the day. She is growing like a week. She has hit the stage where you buy her clothes she wears them and the laundry somehow piles up for a few days, you get it all done and POOF the clothes wont fit her anymore... What the?? She repeats her self and is convinced that anytime she feels an itch or gets a bump it is the cats fault (i don't know what the girl has against cats but it is what it is).
and the bump.... Ahhh we are 21 weeks along. HE is growing beautifully. YUP HE!! So to recap out children are as follows.. Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl, and BOY. Isn't that balanced? Its lovely. I have gone through our basement and manage to pare down to one tote of baby clothes. I got rid of anything girly, anything i wouldn't use the first year, and anything that i was brutally honestly not going to use. I got rid of three large garbage bags! I have EVERYTHING for a baby so i bought some material and made receiving blankets and wipes, knitted a blanket, crochet a blanket, knitted a few hats, and attempted some socks (bad scene, not even going there!) So now i am waiting.... at this point in child rearing I realize that July will be here before I know it. We are half way through March and it was just Christmas a few weeks ago I swear! I'm not uncomfortable yet. My VV are tolerable. I am taking it easy for sure. No heavy lifting no demolition, etc... but all in all other than being scared something was wrong (the ultrasound put all my worries to rest), and utter exhaustion it has been a rather uneventful pregnancy. I like uneventful... uneventful is good. I have a few new habits that i never did before. I watch movies on my laptop a few nights a week after the kids go to bed, I have never been a TV person but as of late i am a person that likes to lie down. I eat at night (usually healthy stuff), and i seem to be completing things before i move on to something else.... THAT'S NEW!! How many dresses did i make to never put the zipper in? How many needle points never completed? How many meal plans never stuck too? But as of late I have craved the organization and it FEELS GOOD to complete things.
More to come... We started a kitchen redo!! It is seriously Superman's best work (next to the children, of course) I am so pleased with it...
Monday, January 2, 2012
So much to say..
I have so much to say and what seems like to time to say it... I will be taking a break... An on purpose one.. I will try to post pictures of the house when i can i just cant realistically get it done right now. I had hoped to be some successful blogger by now.. With sponsors and the ability to do reviews and all sorts of things.. But i'm not funny or optimistic nor do i follow a simplistic life. People aren't attracted to the grind i guess. I suppose i am not meant to be a writer and so i will call it quits for a while... I'm sure I'll be back... I waffle on all things in this life... I am sure this is no different. Thanks
Friday, December 30, 2011
I waffle...
The past few weeks have not gone well. Perhaps its the season, the weather, the decision to move from here, the first 12 weeks of pregnancy... Whatever the excuse I am burnt out...
Its not just the past few weeks it seems like our home schooling year as of yet has been a bust. My six and 7 year olds are not reading. Not for lack of there enthusiasm but for lack of me being present and available to teach and read with them. By the time the chores are done ... the days gone.. I'm exhausted, angry and moody. They are bored and all fighting for my attention. Home schooling it not always so simple and glamorous.
So I waffle...
Pros to sending them to school this coming semester in January...
-Get rid of all the home schooling clutter.
-Save 70 a month from Time 4 Learning.
- More time with JBear and Birdie. Concentrate on preschool.
- Easier to shop/ go to town.
-They would have the opportunity to learn more.
- They have an opportunity to meet friends and do fun things on a daily basis.
-Their teacher wouldn't be mean to them.
-Its just plain easier to let someone else do it.
The Cons to sending them...
-Their schedule.
-Would miss them.
-They are behind.
-Likely to have to pick them up if they are sick. (more outings)
-Constant asking for money (book orders, Field trips, tuck shop, charities)
-They would have more influence outside the home than inside it.
-Not here for outside chores.
- Constantly asking to hang out with friends.
-I'm a failure to Superman... Nothing new there i guess..
-Birthdays parties, cost and driving etc... Disappointment and resentment if i say no.
-Will have to admit my failure... again...
-Would have to keep all my problems about public school systems to myself.
-The kids might get bullied and there will be no one there to help them.
-Taking the bus.
-Concerts, assemblies, etc...
-Making lunches ( the nut free crap)
-The sent free crap
-The regulations and double standards.
-Peer pressure.
I am so burnt out i don't have any idea what to do... I go to my room and sleep most days for a little while.. Which i have never done before so i attribute that to the pregnancy maybe... I am angry, 98% of the time... My children fall and hurt themselves and i look at them with uncaring eyes and say "your fine get up and go play...." Not feeling like a great mother right now. Really that's all i want to be and i am failing and drowning in it.... SO what can i do... I don't see waking up tomorrow and having it be any better without drastic change... Ohh i will miss them if i send them. I will have horrible issues with control not knowing what they are learning or how their friends are influencing them.
I'm lost and I'm to tired to go looking for myself....
When Superman was here he said he loved me because i am so smart and so beautiful... I just need to learn i cant do it all... Well... beauty is fleeting.... and smart? I was extremely smart when i was 20 (not in my personal decisions but book smart) Now... I need a calculator for the easiest of equations, I am scattered, our home is unkempt i cant make a decision to save my life, every things changed... If it continues on this path i should be a drooler by the time I'm 40...
Is this motherhood?
Its not just the past few weeks it seems like our home schooling year as of yet has been a bust. My six and 7 year olds are not reading. Not for lack of there enthusiasm but for lack of me being present and available to teach and read with them. By the time the chores are done ... the days gone.. I'm exhausted, angry and moody. They are bored and all fighting for my attention. Home schooling it not always so simple and glamorous.
So I waffle...
Pros to sending them to school this coming semester in January...
-Get rid of all the home schooling clutter.
-Save 70 a month from Time 4 Learning.
- More time with JBear and Birdie. Concentrate on preschool.
- Easier to shop/ go to town.
-They would have the opportunity to learn more.
- They have an opportunity to meet friends and do fun things on a daily basis.
-Their teacher wouldn't be mean to them.
-Its just plain easier to let someone else do it.
The Cons to sending them...
-Their schedule.
-Would miss them.
-They are behind.
-Likely to have to pick them up if they are sick. (more outings)
-Constant asking for money (book orders, Field trips, tuck shop, charities)
-They would have more influence outside the home than inside it.
-Not here for outside chores.
- Constantly asking to hang out with friends.
-I'm a failure to Superman... Nothing new there i guess..
-Birthdays parties, cost and driving etc... Disappointment and resentment if i say no.
-Will have to admit my failure... again...
-Would have to keep all my problems about public school systems to myself.
-The kids might get bullied and there will be no one there to help them.
-Taking the bus.
-Concerts, assemblies, etc...
-Making lunches ( the nut free crap)
-The sent free crap
-The regulations and double standards.
-Peer pressure.
I am so burnt out i don't have any idea what to do... I go to my room and sleep most days for a little while.. Which i have never done before so i attribute that to the pregnancy maybe... I am angry, 98% of the time... My children fall and hurt themselves and i look at them with uncaring eyes and say "your fine get up and go play...." Not feeling like a great mother right now. Really that's all i want to be and i am failing and drowning in it.... SO what can i do... I don't see waking up tomorrow and having it be any better without drastic change... Ohh i will miss them if i send them. I will have horrible issues with control not knowing what they are learning or how their friends are influencing them.
I'm lost and I'm to tired to go looking for myself....
When Superman was here he said he loved me because i am so smart and so beautiful... I just need to learn i cant do it all... Well... beauty is fleeting.... and smart? I was extremely smart when i was 20 (not in my personal decisions but book smart) Now... I need a calculator for the easiest of equations, I am scattered, our home is unkempt i cant make a decision to save my life, every things changed... If it continues on this path i should be a drooler by the time I'm 40...
Is this motherhood?
Friday, December 16, 2011
Our year in review
Our year in review...
Our life here on the farm gives us the ability to do pretty much whatever we want. This year we attempted to farm... We planted 900 fruit trees, bought 9 cows, 12 sheep, and 180 chickens, Bought a acreage size older tractor, sprouted and planted out $120 worth of seeds. The spring was very busy indeed... Now as fall is upon us, and as this year comes to an end its good to take stock... We now have 1 cow (three went to auction and 5 died, needless to say don't buy day old calves from a commercial dairy), 8 sheep(there were a few casualties), and we have 0 chickens (absolutely our fault... we were totally unprepared) of those 900 trees NONE survived after being plowed into the ground by our tractor that has only run twice... I was able to preserve 5 jars of pickles and 2 of tomato sauce from our garden this year. The previous year I had a much better haul.
This year has been plagued with failure and has been very very hard on our marriage. Superman, Nate Dog, and Ms. Proper were baptized in August and we have been going to church ever since. This has brought about many changes in our home both good and sometimes hard. I am obviously delighted that they chose to be baptized, it has however been trying on our marriage to watch so many couples in the church be so organized and together and able to survive on nothing, when we scrape by on a very good salary and never see each other. Its obviously the way we budget and the things we spend our money on but it gets spend none the less... Money is a big bone of contention. The other large "bone" is the churches view that the father leads the home.. This is obviously true but in applying this to our home it has made things worse... How can anyone manage a business if they are never there? How can anyone follow the rules set forth by such a manager when they just don't work? He sets a gas budget and we can barely get to church and the mail once a week on it... i digress... Its not about blame its about change...
Now let me just say.. I am very angry.... be it hormonal or not I am one seriously angry lady... I need change in our life. I NEED to not be this person anymore.. I NEED to improve our marriage... I CAN NOT through another winter in this province. I CAN however be a good mother and take care of my children. I CAN school them and tend to our home without a problem . I CAN take charge and get them to help me more.
Change
... I choose not to speak of my husband anymore. Whenever i speak of him it turns into negativity and I need no more of that...
.... I will not set forth to do things i expect to fail at.... This will be hard because honestly i expect to fail at everything. I think for me this will mean making a realistic plan, pricing it out, being honest with myself about the amount of work it includes and the amount of help i will need, and THEN deciding if there is a likely rate of success before taking anything else on.
... I will get my home and children under control. We lack structure, routine, time management. We need to get a schedule that is both realistic and doable by all involved. It is MY job to RUN our home and that is something i seriously need to work on.
... I will STOP dwelling on all the stupid decisions that we have made up to this point and start making GOOD decisions, well thought out both parties on board decisions. No more... Well You made that decision NOT me.
... I will only take on today... I carry the whole world on my shoulders i worry about college, retirement, our next home, the end of the world, funeral costs... I need to work on today and that's it.
to be continued.... duty calls....
Our life here on the farm gives us the ability to do pretty much whatever we want. This year we attempted to farm... We planted 900 fruit trees, bought 9 cows, 12 sheep, and 180 chickens, Bought a acreage size older tractor, sprouted and planted out $120 worth of seeds. The spring was very busy indeed... Now as fall is upon us, and as this year comes to an end its good to take stock... We now have 1 cow (three went to auction and 5 died, needless to say don't buy day old calves from a commercial dairy), 8 sheep(there were a few casualties), and we have 0 chickens (absolutely our fault... we were totally unprepared) of those 900 trees NONE survived after being plowed into the ground by our tractor that has only run twice... I was able to preserve 5 jars of pickles and 2 of tomato sauce from our garden this year. The previous year I had a much better haul.
This year has been plagued with failure and has been very very hard on our marriage. Superman, Nate Dog, and Ms. Proper were baptized in August and we have been going to church ever since. This has brought about many changes in our home both good and sometimes hard. I am obviously delighted that they chose to be baptized, it has however been trying on our marriage to watch so many couples in the church be so organized and together and able to survive on nothing, when we scrape by on a very good salary and never see each other. Its obviously the way we budget and the things we spend our money on but it gets spend none the less... Money is a big bone of contention. The other large "bone" is the churches view that the father leads the home.. This is obviously true but in applying this to our home it has made things worse... How can anyone manage a business if they are never there? How can anyone follow the rules set forth by such a manager when they just don't work? He sets a gas budget and we can barely get to church and the mail once a week on it... i digress... Its not about blame its about change...
Now let me just say.. I am very angry.... be it hormonal or not I am one seriously angry lady... I need change in our life. I NEED to not be this person anymore.. I NEED to improve our marriage... I CAN NOT through another winter in this province. I CAN however be a good mother and take care of my children. I CAN school them and tend to our home without a problem . I CAN take charge and get them to help me more.
Change
... I choose not to speak of my husband anymore. Whenever i speak of him it turns into negativity and I need no more of that...
.... I will not set forth to do things i expect to fail at.... This will be hard because honestly i expect to fail at everything. I think for me this will mean making a realistic plan, pricing it out, being honest with myself about the amount of work it includes and the amount of help i will need, and THEN deciding if there is a likely rate of success before taking anything else on.
... I will get my home and children under control. We lack structure, routine, time management. We need to get a schedule that is both realistic and doable by all involved. It is MY job to RUN our home and that is something i seriously need to work on.
... I will STOP dwelling on all the stupid decisions that we have made up to this point and start making GOOD decisions, well thought out both parties on board decisions. No more... Well You made that decision NOT me.
... I will only take on today... I carry the whole world on my shoulders i worry about college, retirement, our next home, the end of the world, funeral costs... I need to work on today and that's it.
to be continued.... duty calls....
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Festivities....
So Superman was home for his week off and we had a birthday party for The Prim (6) and Monkey (7) all went well. 16 children from three families and six adults, life is good. We went to church, had our tithing meeting, had the van in to the shop for lack of rear heat, I had a day out to finish my Christmas shopping and buy some maternity clothes (that was awesome), Superman took some of our cows and tack to auction, all in all it was a very productive week.
This week is something different.... J Bear got sick Tuesday and vomited all over Superman (i laugh under my breathe because its funny that it has taken six children and 10 years for him to be vomited on) Tonight Ms. Proper came down said "I'm sick i need a bowl" i handed her one and she started to vomit (nice girl to contain it like that) Then as i am trying to convince her that its okay to sleep with a blanket and the gravol should help, from behind me Birdie (or in this case the exorcist) explodes.....
Thankful my water storage is topped up because I will be washing many floors and doing lots of laundry this week...
Might I add that we all get deathly ill EVERY CHRISTMAS!! I don't know what it is!!! Next year i should start them on immunity boosters as soon as fall hits and see what we can do to end this cycle...
Will post some pictures soon.... The house will be done this week, I'm just ten weeks and still i look like I'm about 4 months pregnant (my body obviously knows what its doing) the kids are all doing well except for being sick. Nate Dog has spent the past three days outside working for the siding guys, doing cleanup and being there Tool hand. He is hoping they will be generous when the time comes to pay him... I hope so too... He has really put in a full effort, not complained bout the cold, laughed and learned from them... Hes doing a great job.
More to come
This week is something different.... J Bear got sick Tuesday and vomited all over Superman (i laugh under my breathe because its funny that it has taken six children and 10 years for him to be vomited on) Tonight Ms. Proper came down said "I'm sick i need a bowl" i handed her one and she started to vomit (nice girl to contain it like that) Then as i am trying to convince her that its okay to sleep with a blanket and the gravol should help, from behind me Birdie (or in this case the exorcist) explodes.....
Thankful my water storage is topped up because I will be washing many floors and doing lots of laundry this week...
Might I add that we all get deathly ill EVERY CHRISTMAS!! I don't know what it is!!! Next year i should start them on immunity boosters as soon as fall hits and see what we can do to end this cycle...
Will post some pictures soon.... The house will be done this week, I'm just ten weeks and still i look like I'm about 4 months pregnant (my body obviously knows what its doing) the kids are all doing well except for being sick. Nate Dog has spent the past three days outside working for the siding guys, doing cleanup and being there Tool hand. He is hoping they will be generous when the time comes to pay him... I hope so too... He has really put in a full effort, not complained bout the cold, laughed and learned from them... Hes doing a great job.
More to come
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